Sarah Smile

Why I don't go to sleep

2012-01-17T23:45:00.002+02:00

If I stay up, then I get things done.
Problem is, I'm too tired to do anything.

If I go to sleep I've wasted time not getting things done.

Seems so logical, but sounds so stupid.

So I stay up just in case I get something done.

But I never do.

What the hell is wrong with me?!

Where did Superwoman go?

2012-01-17T01:33:00.003+02:00

She used to live in my body.

And now she seems to have disappeared.

Every so often she comes back for a visit and makes me look good again.

But, otherwise.

I am on my own.

And not doin' what I used to.

Wonder why she left me?!

Speaking with confidence

2012-01-02T15:30:00.004+02:00

Trying to teach my children - even the adult ones - to speak with confidence.

Ask for what you want. Ask for what you need. Ask with confidence.

Being able to deal with disappointment.

Say it like you mean it.

Not demanding, but confident.

Know what it is you want.

Don't be whishy-washy

Planning a Bat mitzvah

2012-01-02T15:25:00.002+02:00

Invitations.

Who to invite.

What to wear? What do I care?

Priorities. What is important?

I used to be so judgmental. Now, I don't care.

Make it what she wants.

Decisions.

Money.

Colors.

Cost.

Making people happy.

Wishing I could just show up.

Disappointments.

Making her happy.

Wanting her to feel special.

Wanting it all to go away.

Proud.

Exhausted.Snapping my fingers.

Let me know when it's over.

Turning on the heat

2011-12-14T12:52:00.001+02:00

Why do I feel guilty for turning on the heat when it's just me in the house?!

But it's cooold!!

Matisyahu and Me

2011-12-13T23:23:00.002+02:00

Quoted from Matisyahu: "When I started becoming religious 10 years ago it was a very natural and organic process. It was my choice. My journey to discover my roots and explore Jewish spirituality—not through books but through real life. At a certain point I felt the need to submit to a higher level of religiosity…to move away from my intuition and to accept an ultimate truth. I felt that in order to become a good person I needed rules—lots of them—or else I would somehow fall apart. I am reclaiming myself. Trusting my goodness and my divine mission."

Wow!
I understand he has the fame and the money and the publicity to say and do whatever he wants. And I'd love to be able to sit him down at my Shabbat table and ask him a thing or two.

But I admit, I admire his courage. (And I know I'm going to get flack from people for saying that!)

Rules. Fear of falling apart without them. Trusting ourselves. Trusting MYself.
It's a huge step.

And although he's gonna confuse a lot of people, I say, "Good for you Matisyahu!"

Tuesday, the day before Wednesday

2011-12-13T09:45:00.002+02:00

I wake up and go...

Just keep going.

If I stopped and let myself feel, I wouldn't be able to move.

SO I just keep going.
Finding things to laugh and smile about.

Enjoying my family. my friends.

Planning Ely's Bat Mitzvah.

I just keep going...
And look forward to GLEE tomorrow :) !!!!

Off to Jerusalem, I go. To try and be present and make a difference in three women's lives.

What are you doing to make a difference in someone's life today?

Leaving Facebook

2011-12-11T12:04:00.002+02:00

I did an experiment for myself last week.

I made no profile post updates on Facebook for a week, and checked my newsfeed only one time a day, really only looking for specific messages (like Glee updates!!) and sent birthday messages.

NO ONE knew I was gone. No one commented. No one wondered where I was.
Which didn't upset me. It just made me realize that I need Facebook more than my friends on Facebook need me.

So I thought about it. What do I need so much from Facebook?
Is it the FOMO feeling my kids talk about all the time? (FOMO = Fear Of Missing Out)
Or is it the feeling of wanting attention. People to know I'm there.

I've been working on that alot. Knowing I am here without having to get the feedback all the time.

Just needing to learn to fill up my own cup.

So I made the decision not to depend on Facebook. Stop checking.

Go back to email.

And even more important for me -- blog more.

So, hopefully, I'm back to writing again!

Being understood

2011-12-06T08:20:00.002+02:00

One of the most difficult parts of communicating with people is making myself understood.

I know what I mean and I know how I feel.
And even sometimes I don't really know why I feel the way I do, but I still want to be understood.

Knowing that someone gets me.

I think I have spent most of my 45 years of life trying to be understood.
Just getting people around me to "get me."

Maybe I do to others, but I never quite felt like I fit 'the mold'. And I have never had a problem with that. Except that it's a very lonely feeling.

Understanding and accepting are two different things. One is lonelier than the other when it doesn't happen. Not sure which though.

It's really hard to live in a world where I feel like no one REALLY understands me.
But I do and I am.
And I just keep trying to make myself understood.

It's all in communication...

Juggling

2011-12-05T11:45:00.003+02:00

Juggling everything and nothing, all at the same time.

Multi-tasking and getting things done that have to be done. But none of it seems important.

What does something have to be to be important?

I literally feel like I am on autopilot. Just keep going.
Doing what I have to do because it has to be done. No choice. Just keep moving. And doing.

Because what I really want to be doing won't mean anything. Won't be productive. Won't be an efficient use of my time.

So I juggle. I do this and I do that. And I take care of him and I take care of her.
Cuz that's what I do.
I take care of.

I'm just amazed that I do so much.
And I honestly wonder if anyone else has any clue what it is I do...?

Doin' my nails

2011-12-04T12:06:00.002+02:00

Since I haven't posted in awhile I figured why not just post with something seemingly trivial.

Sure there's a lot on my mind, a lot going on in my life and in my family, but doing my nails seems to be the most emotionally safe thing to write about.

Maybe.

Feels dumb now that I've started writing...

I express myself through my nail polish. There.

The end.

Judging

2011-10-23T01:30:00.003+02:00

My friend, Tobi, wrote that she is tired of being judged by people all the time.

I responded that I am tired of judging people all the time.

It's not something I want to do.
It's not something I try to do.
It's not even something I always consciously KNOW I am doing.

It's just something I do - all the time!!

There is a constant nagging feeling within me that nothing I or anyone else does is good enough. There is always something wrong. There is always criticalness and judgement happening.

I know it. I realize it. I hear it. And I hate it!

I'm exhausted.
I wish there was a button that I could just turn it off.

It's not something I'm proud of.
I'm ashamed, even.

And I'm honest...

Living on the beach

2011-10-18T23:41:00.002+02:00

I have decided that I will live-somehow-on the beach one day.
Don't think my husband will be living with me, but Ok. I will be...

I have to.
I want to.
I need to!!

The beach.

Just replenishes my soul.
Makes me happy.
Fulfilled.

Not being enough

2011-10-16T07:48:00.002+02:00

When do we know that we are enough?

When I've cooked enough?
When I've smiled enough?
When I've felt enough?
When I've talked enough?
When I've done enough?

Who knows?

I live with the constant feeling like it is never enough. I am never enough.

What I do is never enough. I should be doing more. I should know more. Understand more.

So as I go into my Sukkot vacation mode, I'm gonna think about being enough. And how I know...?

Because G-d forbid, I should just BE...

Vent alert!

2011-10-05T10:17:00.001+02:00

Why does it feel like I am responsible for EVERYTHING?!?!

I have to do it all, take care of it all, be in charge of it all.

I don't want to anymore!

Someone take care of me!!

Vent over...

It's been awhile

2011-10-04T09:08:00.003+02:00

I know.
I know.

Whatever...

So I'm writing now.

Don't know if anyone even checks in here anymore, so it makes it easier for me to just write, not knowing if anyone is even listening. Puts my critics away for a bit.

So here is a list of the things I want to write about, in no real order:

- letting go of guilt. Letting go of the shoulds. The being able to's. The "I used to be able to..." Feeling good enough. Important enough. Special enough. Heard. Seen. Witnessed. Approved of. Just good enough.

- making time for creativity. Excuses. Justifications. Self indulgence. Allowed. Not allowed. Needing. Wanting. Excuses. Expressing myself.

- Not wanting to have to watch what I say all the time. Having to be careful of people's feelings. How to say it? When to say it? It's so exhausting. Why can't I just say it?

- the feeling that the world can't handle me. Not in a pompous way. But in an "I'm too powerful, and the world does not/would not know what to do with me. I don't know what to do with me. I feel like I have so much inside that could just explode. Like I am hiding from the world.

- I want to recapture the feeling. I want to remember the feeling of the night I left my dorm room at Touro in jeans, and did cartwheels down
Broadway. What was that like? What happened to that girl?

- here's a tough one: how has religion stifled me? Or is it just an excuse, blaming it on religion? Is it just a fear of doing something wrong? Getting in trouble?

- confrontation. The fear of it versus the "bring it on!" feeling. It's a feeling I avoid. The feeling that confrontation brings up. It's anxiety. Being wrong. Being bad.

See there's a lot to write about.
Then my critic comes up and says, "No one wants to know this stuff, Sarah. Why does the whole world need to know what you are feeling or thinking about?"

So for now I tell my critic that, 1. I don't even know if the "whole world" is reading this; and 2. The "whole world" doesn't HAVE to read anything they don't want to; and 3. I like and need to be witnesssed. THAT is who I am. I don't want to apologize for it. I want to accept it.
It is who I am.
Just like someone who needs to stay protected.
I don't. Most of the time.

Ok, hope to be back soon...

Another passion

2011-06-13T23:52:00.004+02:00

Tonight I was reminded how much I love to perform on stage in front of an audience.
For me, it is the ultimate in being seen and validated.
I love to sing on stage, act and dance. I might not be the best, or the most talented, but I love the experience.

the applause, the laughs, the nods, the tears.
It all feeds something inside me.
There is a thrill, an excitement.
I'm not afraid. It doesn't scare me to get up there.

I know I am surrounded by love and friendship and acceptance.

I am talented, and I am thankful.

In my day...

2011-06-10T00:26:00.002+02:00

It's 1:30 am on a Thursday night.
I decided to leave the rest of what I needed to do in the kitchen for tomorrow.
I left DB in the kitchen with two of his girl friends.
One was washing my dishes. The other was drinking soup.
I left them in my kitchen...

Now, in MY day......

GrUmpy

2011-06-06T23:42:00.002+02:00

Bad mood.
Resentful
not fair.
It's always me.
Can't sleep
Shut down
Do I have to do it all?
Won't someone take care of me?
Without me asking?
Tired.
Don't want to do anything.
Be responsible
Do it all
You have to.
It's expected.
What if I did nothing?
What if....?
Clueless.
Really just clueless.
Makes me grumpy.
And mad.
And tired...

Feeling A little Guilty

2011-05-31T07:43:00.002+02:00

I made Ely go to school this morning, even when she was feeling well.
No blood,
No broken bones,
No convulsions.
Off to school...

I always feel bad, though.
Don't know which is right.

Hope she makes it through the day...

Writing

2011-05-30T10:25:00.001+02:00

Writing because I have to
Writing because I can
Writing because I want to
Writing because that is what I do.

So much to write about
I tell myself no one cares
I ask myself, why do people want to read your thoughts and feelings?
Is that really my voice? Do I really care?
Sometimes I care, others times I don't

So now is one of those don't care times
I want to write about being frustrated about not writing.
I want everyone to know that I have so many thoughts and feelings that I want them to know about. I need to write them out.
I want people to know they aren't alone in their thoughts and feelings.
That other people, like ME, feel the same way.

I feel sad some days, for no real reason.
I feel frustrated alot, for not getting my way or having to be flexible.
For not being understood or misunderstood.
I feel angry that I have to explain myself all the time.
I feel angry that other people are sad.

I feel love and appreciation for my children.
For my friends.
For a husband who I know loves me.
For my family. For my abilities.
I feel thankful that I can enjoy the sound of birds singing, or feel a cool breeze. A pretty flower, a nice smile. My wind chimes.
Somedays I have to force myself to see the good stuff. Hear the nice things, appreciate the positive.

But it doesn't come naturally. That makes me tired.

I'm tired of not being able to shut my brain down to sleep.
I'm tired of feeling like everything is my responsibility.
That I have to get everything right all the time.
Even though logically I know that's not true.

I want to allow someone to take care of me without feeling guilty about it.
Allow them to see my vulnerabilities without having to show or prove that really, I'm ok.

I don't want to be ok sometmes. I want to be a mess. I don't want to hold it together all the time. I want to fall apart and not care that I can't pull myself back together.
I'm tired of having to hold it all together.

I want to mess up and have everyone be proud of me for it.

I want to feel comfortable in my body.
I want to care.

I keep remembering UYO and the angel walk, when I fell apart and people took care of me and didn't judge me for being weak or emotional. I was allowed. And still loved.

It's exhausting to hold it together all the time.
My clients have to see me holding it together.
My kids have to see me holding it together.
My husband needs me to hold it together.
My parents need me to hold it together.

I'd like to fall apart and stay there for a couple days, without worry or care about what they will think or feel.

But no.
I will hold it together.

Because that is what I do.
I can only write about wanting it.
Because that, too, is what I do.

Time and money

2011-05-17T22:52:00.001+02:00

If only both were unlimited.
I'd take my vacation and my professional course.
Both of them.
And not care.
And enjoy them both.
And not feel guilty about either.
If only...

Just See ME

2011-05-16T23:59:00.001+02:00

Just See Me

February 2011

The following fictitious letter is based on a collection of words, wishes and cries of many of my clients over the past 15 years. Their ages ranged from 4 - 16.

Dear Mommy and Abba,

My request to you is simple:
Please, just see me. See me for who I am. See me for who I want to be. See me for who I am trying to be.

I really want to make you happy and proud of me.
I don’t like it when you get mad at me; or when you yell, even if I know I did something I wasn’t supposed to do.

I don’t always want to be like you. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I get confused.

Sometimes I’m shy. And sometimes I don’t know what to say. Adults want me to talk all the time. They want me to be like them. But I’m not. I don't have so much to say all the time. And when I do – I’ll say it. Just give me the space to say it when I’m ready. I need space to speak when I want, not when you want me to.

In school I don’t always understand what the teacher is saying. I don’t always want to be the one to answer. And when I understand, the teacher doesn't let me make a mistake. She makes me feel bad when I make a mistake. You don’t always like it when I make mistakes, either. You make mistakes.

You get tired and grumpy sometimes. Sometimes you’re in a bad mood, too.
Why do I always have to be in a good mood, just because you want me to? I think it’s more like you NEED me to. You can’t handle it when I’m not in a good mood? Why do I always have to be smiling? Why do I always have to greet you with a smile when I come in the door? What if I had a hard day? Why can’t you just see that?

I need space to be in a bad mood. Give me the space, and I’ll snap out of it. And if I don’t, then I’ll need your help.

I’m different. I’m not like the other kids. I’m shorter or taller or slower or more emotional. I like different things, and I look different. So you can’t treat me like the other kids. I might need more of your patience, or more of your understanding. I might need you to be more creative with me.

I know I usually fight them, but I need rules. I need limits. And when I push them, hold on tight. Don’t give in to me so fast. I need you to say NO to me sometimes, even if I get angry at you. I need it. I might not like it, but I need it. And I need you to be consistent. I know it’s easier to give in sometimes. You’re tired. I wear you down. But it’s confusing when I don’t know what to expect. And then I know I can take advantage of you.

I need to make my own mistakes. You can’t protect me from all harm. I need you to teach me to use common sense. To think about choices and consequences. To think about what would happen if... And then, I need to face my own monsters. I know you want to protect me from them - from falling off my bike, or someone saying means things to me, or my seeing something scary or inappropriate. And I appreciate that. I know you love me. But how will I ever learn, if I don’t learn how to get from here to there by myself. Let me learn. Let me make my own mistakes. I need you to help me learn from my mistakes. Not blame me or say I told you so. Just be there when I make that mistake.

I know it’s hard to raise kids. But you know what? It’s hard to raise parents too!!

Love,
Me

Appreciating my kids

2011-03-11T00:49:00.002+02:00

There's so much I appreciate about them.
They're brave.
They're real
They're fun
They're thoughtful
They're independent
They're helpful
They're solid
They try
They hug me
They call to say hi
They speak Hebrew fluently
They understand Israelis
They love their abba.
They love me!!
They love each other!

Migraines

2011-03-07T11:12:00.002+02:00

Four days in a row is pretty bad.
What is my body trying to tell me?
Am i listening?

Been thinking about pain and suffering.
My own, that is.

What do i tell myself about pain? And how to suffer?
In silence?
Suck it up?
Complain?
Will anyone listen?
Will anyone care?
Will anyone do anything about it?
Will I? Is it worth it?

There a lot of messages I tell myself about pain and how to deal with it.
Some from my family of origin. Some from my culture.
Some, I guess, from my own philosophy of life.

There a lot of messages in pain.

But do I listen?

My reality this week

2011-03-06T00:30:00.003+02:00

It hit me tonight, as I was sewing badges onto DB's uniform,
This is my reality.
I have a son in the Israeli army. I have to sew buttons on his uniform and badges on his sleeve.
My daughters are going to parties for their friends going into the army this week.
This country is about it's army and the service young people give to it.
This country is about protection and service and care for others.
The kids watch out for each other. They know each other. They are all connected and cover each others backs.
As Ari and I sat watching James Bond tonight, Ely was asleep in her bed and our three big kids were out with their friends who are all serving our country in one way or another.
Soon Ely will be doing the same.
That's the reality here.
That's my reality here.

Still not really caring

2011-02-21T23:39:00.002+02:00

It is and it isn't.
And I really don't care.
Doesn't matter to me.
Makes no difference one way or another.
Just let it happen and we'll see how it goes.
So yeah, just really not caring.
Just doing.
Just living.
Just being what I have to be.
Not sure I really care otherwise.
I'm sure many will care if I do or not.
But sorry, i don't
Thats just me.

Right now, just don't really care!

Recognizing my body

2011-02-21T02:15:00.002+02:00

Tonight I felt it.
It felt weird
I was there, but I wasn't
Feeling comfortable or aware. It felt so foreign
It was not me.
It used to be me.
But its not anymore
Not sure where I went
But I aint here
I'm not someone else
I'm just not me
Part of that feels okay.
The other part isn't so sure.
Don't really mind not being me
Don't really care
There's that word again.
Just doesnt matter?
It was me there, just didn't recoginize who i was.

Normal stuff

2011-01-18T09:22:00.003+02:00

Decided to make this a normal blog post - so if you are looking for drama, this one is not the post for you!! :)

We tend to do things in extremes here.
Either everyone is home, or the house is empty.
Either we stay up all night, or go to sleep early.
Either the sink is full of dishes, or everyone washes their own.
Just some silly examples.

DB called two nights ago to ask if he could bring his unit over for a BBQ. My first thought was, "Sure" and then, "You don't have anything else to do, like protect our country?!"
But alas, they are not coming. Not enough guys around - I guess the rest of them are off protecting the country?? "Maybe next week," he said.

So today I'm off to Jerusalem to see two clients, and then home again for two more.
I've been busy. About 12 clients now.
Would like to be busier.

Need to write an article for an English magazine here. Just not sure what to write about?

Ever feel like your days just blend one into the other? I think I need a change of scenery. It's been fun, at least, to be wearing winter clothes - to see the stuff I packed away for the summer. That's new - although old. Same clothes, just haven't seen 'em in a while.

I like dramatic postings better!

Speaking Hebrew

2011-01-12T23:57:00.003+02:00

I do better than I think I can!

Today I conversed with:
the electrician
the water heater fixer guy
the gannenet (kindergarten teacher) of one of my clients
the charity guy who is paying for another one of my clients therapy
the distributor for frozen strawberries and blueberries
the cashier at the grocery
the shoe salesman at the NAOT shoe store
the telemarketer who I told I was not interested
the haircut guy and the hair washer guy
the shiatsu massage therapist
the contractor

all in mostly Hebrew, with a few English words tucked in where needed.

Not bad for one day!

My identity

2011-01-11T18:20:00.002+02:00

Do I work because I am a therapist?

Or am I a therapist and therefore I work?

Am I a mother because I have children?

Or did/do I have children, so therefore I am a mother?

Am a wife because I am married?

Or am I married, therefore I have to be a wife?

Being responsible

2011-01-10T13:37:00.003+02:00

I don't want to be.

Period.

How does one stop being responsible?
Just stop?
But I have a conscious. I can't just stop.
My guilt won't let me.
I have to be responsible all the time.
To be irresponsible is BAD.
Does it mean I'm bad?
Maybe.

If I wanted to try irresponsibility, where would I start?

Being responsible all the time is exhausting!
Doing the right thing all the time is exhausting!

Why can't I just be a bitch or do something wrong and have no body care?

Maybe it's so exhausting because really I am a bitch and a mean person and have to work so hard not to be?
Now there's a new thought...

Being responsible sucks!

I'm here

2011-01-09T15:36:00.002+02:00

Just barely.
Hanging in

Not doing anything about it.
but who cares

I'm here.
Hanging in.
Doing what has to be done.
Day by day.

Just doing it.
Because I have to.
Sometimes I hate being so responsible!
I wonder what my life would look like if I wasn't so damn responsible all the time!!

Living. Breathing. Doing. Working. Being. Barely...

What else am I supposed to do?

I'm here. In case you were wondering

Remember when...

2010-12-23T00:23:00.002+02:00

Daughters going through teenage angst.

I remember it well.

It was pretty horrible.
Didn't feel close enough to my parents to tell them then, so only took it out on them.

Daughters talk to me.
I try to help.
I wanna tell them to get grip and don't worry about it.
I know that's not what they want to hear. I know it won't help.

Boys are mean. They can be jerks.
Thankfully they don't see that in their father or brother.

I remember when boys were jerks!
Like it was yesterday.

Felt like I was never gonna have a boy friend. Like I was always going to be alone.
But I'm not. I'm lucky.

I hope they will be lucky!

They feel like "why me?"
I remember that.

They feel like it is never going to get better.
I remember that.

They feel so confused and mixed up in their emotions.
Boy, do I remember that!!

So hard to watch them go through it and not be able to make it all better for them NOW!

I wonder how my Mom felt.......

Nostalgic for Christmas

2010-12-21T23:16:00.002+02:00

Growing up in Frederick allowed me to experience a lot of different ways to celebrate a holiday season.
Chanukah came and went, and because I went to public school, Christmas was much more a part of my life.
I didn't wish to be different. I accepted who I was, and still enjoyed what was going on around me.
I loved the parties.
The red and green everywhere.
The music.
The smiles.
The creative shopping and wrapping.
The family time. The attention.

I was never forgotten. By Kathy or Carrie or Cathy or Lori. Or any of my friends. They all knew it was Chanukah for me, and included me anyhow. I'd find presents from Santa under their trees, or from my secret Santa.
When I was real little we would leave milk and cookies out for Santa, hung stockings on our fireplace mantel, and find presents waiting for us Christmas morning.

I feel richer. More aware. More full. more alive because of my experiences.

Thank you to all my friends who celebrated over the years. Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas.

Love you all!!

An Ely moment

2010-12-21T23:00:00.000+02:00

Came home early for Ely today.
She wanted to go to a friend's house.
So we had a talk.
She needs to know I will be home for her when I can.
If she still wants to go to a friend's house, fine.
But then she cannot say she never sees me or i am never home for her.

That's our deal. She knows I want to be home when I can. And she gets to know and then chose when she wants to be home with me.

Letting go and growing up.
All in a typical parenting day...

Privacy

2010-12-11T23:05:00.002+02:00

What is private?
What is not?

Why am I not afraid to put myself out there?

Is it for attention?

Why am I not afraid?

It doesn't bother me...

Tell me one thing I love about myself?

I'm out there.

That's me.

Being Outrageous

2010-12-11T23:02:00.002+02:00

What would I do?
What could I do?

Sitting around waiting for life to happen to me is getting boring.
So I end up not doing anything.
not exercising
eating and eating
gaining weight
liking my body less and less. disconnecting more and more.

So what would I do?
What could I do?

Art.
Travel.
Be?

Not sure.

Letting go...

2010-12-05T01:00:00.002+02:00

Not so good at it.

Letting go of stuff.

of memories

of people.

of weight.

of control of people, places, and things.

of time.

of my kids.

of anger.

of expectations.

of disappointment.

of being able to let go...

Gift giving

2010-12-05T00:48:00.002+02:00

I have a lot of strengths. I know that.

Giving creative gifts is not one of them.

I would say I'm a pretty creative person. I can do creative things. But when it comes to giving gifts - the creative ones are few and far between.

When the 3 big kids were younger, we decided that Chanukah was not going to be about us giving gifts to them. Ari and I decided that Chanukah was going to be about family time. Each night the kids got to chose a family activity. We went to the clay room and painted bowls or plates, we had a game night, a movie night, an out-to-eat night, and other fun stuff. When they were younger and we lived in Boston, they got gifts anyhow from grandparents, aunt and uncles and family friends. So we never really had to give gifts.

And to be honest, it got me off the hook. What to get each child plus Ari is always just so hard.

And now here we are, many years later, the big kids are much bigger and not wanting or able to be home so much, and Ely is left behind without much of a Chanukah fun time. I don't want to replace her family time with presents, but am feeling a little desperate for her.

So now we are 4 days into Chanukah and I am trying whatever I can to be a good enough Mom and make it a meaningful and fun holiday for her.

The whole gift giving thing is just so stressful...

Feeling Misunderstood

2010-11-18T23:27:00.003+02:00

Communication is what makes the world go around.
Without it we have chaos.

If you don't understand me when I give you directions, you could end up in some dangerous Arab village.
If I don't make myself clear when ordering from the butcher, i could end up with chicken on Thanksgiving instead of turkey.

Chaos. Confusion. Misunderstanding.

Feelings are complicated. So trying to make them understood or understanding them ourselves is even harder.

The worst feeling of isolation comes from not feeling understood. It's frustrating. It's demoralizing.

When we can't make ourselves understood, we have two choices.
We can give up, shut down, close ourselves off.
or
We can keep trying, until someone understands.

Because feeling understood, is the kindest, most freeing and exciting feeling. We connect when we understand each other.

We can love deeper
We can hold longer
We can be together with more realness.

Still not sure, though, which is harder: living with feeling misunderstood? Or not being able to understand another?

Either way, there lies a gigantic whole in the communication of the world when either of these happen.

I think so, at least. I feel so, too.

Do you understand what I mean?!

Follow up on Pain

2010-11-17T11:00:00.002+02:00

So this morning, as I was walking the aisles of the grocery store, adding way more items to my cart than I had on my list (why does that always happen?!) I bumped into my neighbor and friend who's son will soon be entering the army in the same unit as DB. Another two weeks, to be exact.

I said to her with heartfelt empathy and comapssion, "I've been thinking so much about you. I remember this time, before my son went in." Knowing this was not her first son to enter the army, but it is her first son to enter an elite unit.

She answered me, not really looking at me, distracted by which bread to choose, "Oh thank you. I'm just not thinking about it. I can't." And walked away.

To which I called after her, "Well, I'm feeling it for you then."

She looked at me. Said thank you with a quizzical look on her face, and moved on. This conversation was clearly not going to happen. Either because she was in a rush and needed to focus on her shopping, or she didn't want to think, feel, deal with what her sweet-natured, kind 19 year old son was about to do.

And so therein was my test. Could I feel her anxiety and fear of the unknown, and still move on with my day without eating 6 candy bars?

How I wished she could allow herself to feel and still cope with her day.

Something about pain

2010-11-16T23:07:00.003+02:00

When I walked out of a therapy session today, I thought of exactly what I wanted and needed to write about on my blog and what I would title it.

And then I got home.

Became Mommy, and forgot.

I know it was something about pain. Emotional pain. and mental pain. and psychological pain.

I have discovered that I can feel these pains. And although I don't always enjoy them, I don't mind feeling them. The deep intense feelings help me to feel human. To feel real.

I feel feelings. Painful feelings - I feel them.
And I am still alive to talk about it.

So many people do not.
So many people try to kill themselves over these emotions.
They deny them. They tell themselves that they should not.
They tell themselves to look on the bright side, get a grip, have perspective.
They tell themselves to think positive. Focus on the good. Let it go. Without giving enough time or space to the painful emotions to be felt.

They drink them away. They eat them away. They cut them away. They lie them away. They purge them away. They sex them away. They hide them away. They ignore them away.

So many ways. So much effort not to feel them.

If I could just teach people to feel them. Allow themselves to feel them.
Not to wallow. Not to climb into bed for days and cry to feel them.

But to give room for them. Draw them. Acknowledge them.

They can't just be pushed away for good. They need to be made room to be there.

Like a friend that's there for a reason. Not a bad friend. Just a friend who's there. Hangin' around. Saying 'hey, I'm here to let you know you are human.'

I can't keep others from being overwhelmed by their painful emotions. So I want to just take the feelings away from them altogether.
Everyone has their feelings. And I find my inability to help others to live with their pain very sad. Frustrating.

Society does not appreciate painful emotions. Does not know how to deal with them. Does not know how to live with intensely deep feeling people.

We sing, 'Don't worry, be happy.'

What if I could worry AND be happy?!

It's how I'm feeling today.
Tomorrow is another day...

Quiet time with the girls

2010-11-14T00:18:00.002+02:00

So nice.
So needed.
Just me and my girls. Missing the boys, but...

Girl talk.
Holding hands.
Laughing.
Being with friends.

How did I get so lucky? So blessed?
Seems so natural.

When children get married young, is it because they need to escape their homes?
Is the opposite true? When they don;t date or get married young, is it because they can't leave their homes?

Thinking about that.

I feel blessed, meantime.
To have my girls around.
Who love to be with me. And me with them...

DB's not coming home

2010-11-12T02:17:00.001+02:00

He said he would be, but he's not.

I'm disappointed.

But I can't tell him that. It's not his fault.

Deal with it.

And enjoy the girls!!

Amy's getting married tonight

2010-11-12T02:16:00.001+02:00

And I'm not there.
Ari is.
But I'm not.

Trying not to think about it.
Reality sucks sometimes!

Mazal Tov!

It's been a long time...AGAIN!!

2010-11-12T02:06:00.001+02:00

over a month to be exact.
I wonder if anyone even stops by here anymore.

I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. Hasn't been anything new in such a long time. But then again, you wouldn't see this if you didn't...
Anyhow.

Decided it was time. To at least check in.
not sure how much profoundness I've got right now to write.

But I can let you know I am here. Still breathing, thinking, feeling, being.

And appreciating:
1. My neighbor for burning me a disc of the movie EAT PRAY LOVE.
2. My friends for watching after Ely this week.
3. NED for coming home Monday night because she knew how much Ely would appreciate it.
4. Ely for being so responsible about coming and going at age 10 - almost 11.
5. My friend and colleague for giving me her time and such great guidance.

So there you have it. Prof that I have been living. Just avoiding writing.
I really wish I understood why I don't write more. I really love to write!

About stuff

2010-10-01T01:25:00.003+02:00

About my children growing up - staying out to all hours without me knowing what they are doing

About not liking what they are wearing
About not wanting to nag or be critical
About still wanting a say

About my little one not being so little anymore

About my husband saying I love you

About knowing what I am good at and forgiving myself for what I'm not good at

About this one and that one that I can't share in their lives anymore

About work

About knowing more
About believing I know enough

About living
About Being

About what I am reading or about watching Glee
About letting go

About living in a different culture than i grew up in

About being the mommy

About doing what I want
About listening and caring and feeling

About praying

About a lot of stuff

There are no words

2010-09-21T03:16:00.004+03:00

No way to understand
to explain to anyone
to describe the experience

You see him with his gun, in his uniform. You all think he's a brave and strong soldier.

But to me, he is my sweet little boy.
The son i birthed,
The son I nursed until he crawled off my lap.
My first born, who taught me how to be a mommy
The little boy i read to and played games with.
The nervous child i taught to relax in his bed at night, to help him fall asleep.

That's my boy up there. I know him better than any of you.
None of you can take that away from me

But reality hits me hard.
He is not mine anymore.
G-d gave him to me, 21 years ago.
He will always be my little boy, but he is in G-d's hands now.

I cannot and will not be able to know what he is doing
I cannot and will not be able to connect to him in his life, knowing where he is

He has made a choice. To protect and defend my life.

As I watch him with the Israeli boys - MEN - Soldiers, I find...

there are no words...

Children

2010-09-14T01:03:00.002+03:00

Why do we have them?

Listening to Eat Pray Love on CD, driving back and forth to work. Hear the story differently than when I read.

She asks herself, Liz Gilbert, the author, why she DOESN'T want to have kids. Her ex calls her selfish.

Makes me think as I'm driving.

Why did I have children? Did I even think about it? Was it even an option not to? And would I have more?

Don't read anything between any lines about me not wanting mine. That's not what I'm saying here.

I'm just thinking - without any answers yet - why? Why did I have them? Why did I want them?

Or is it as my BFF always tells me, "It just is!"

Ely needs help

2010-09-13T01:22:00.001+03:00

5th grade tests and homework have begun

And I am helpless

Time to send in the troops!!!

More stuff to think about

2010-09-13T01:19:00.002+03:00

Being honest

Being real
being a mirror

Being

Doing
Feeling

Being an adult
wanting to be a child

Being calm
Wanting to really scream and rant and rave

Being responsible
Wanting to not care

Being helpful
Wanting to be helped

Being selfish

Reaching out
reaching in

trying
giving up

doing, being, going, wanting, trying, having

Just stuff I think about....

Out the door she goes....

2010-08-31T23:10:00.003+02:00

I watched my "little girl" walk out the door tonight. With a HUGE backpack strapped to her back. She went. To join her apartment mates. In Jerusalem. In her new apartment, as a Bat Sherut. Doing her National Service.

She is having such an easy time with it. I'm NOT!

I wanted to beg her not to go. But she did.

And now she is on her own. Working. Hanging out with old people all day.

She just walked right out the door...
sigh

The first day of 5th Grade

2010-08-25T22:09:00.002+02:00

We overslept!!

Jet lag strikes!!

So Ely made it in a half hour late to school.
and came home 4 hours later with a smile on her face!

15 girls in her class, 13 from our yishuv.

Her teacher is starting the year on maternity leave, so they have a substitute for now.

And the night before begins:
lunches, backpacks, signed forms, laying out clothes.

5th grade has begun!

Fifth grader

2010-08-24T23:28:00.002+02:00

Ely told me tonight that tomorrow she will be the only one taking a 'first-day-of-school' picture.
She will be the only one in the picture.

My baby, now 10, will start 5th grade tomorrow.

She will now begin to navigate herself without any siblings in the house everyday. She will be like an only child most days of the week.

She will come home.
She will do her homework.
She will go to sleep.
Alone.
With Ari and I, of course.
But no other noise in the house.

But 5th grade?
It happened so fast.
And now here we are.
Getting ready for 5th grade.

I am blessed.
And sad.
And nostalgic.
And excited.
And lonely.
And happy.
And thankful.

Good luck Ely! Abba and I are so proud of you!

Visiting DB

2010-08-24T23:02:00.004+02:00

DB called today and said he had permission for us to come to the base to visit if we wanted to.

Wanted to?!

I grabbed the last of the chocolate chip cookies from the freezer, and the camera I brought back from the US for his 21st birthday, and drove down there with Ari. 30 minutes. Not far.

He was waiting for us outside the base. In the picnic area built for visitors. No one is allowed into the base without clearance. He was sweaty. Seems their air conditioner isn't working. They all take their mattresses and sleep in the work-out room. But he doesn't complain.

So we sit, in semi-darkness, and talk. He actually told us a little about his week. Mostly because he's not doing specialty stuff now. Back to the basics. Hand-to-hand combat, and hand-gun and rifle shooting. He told us how he learned to protect himself when someone attacks with a pipe or a knife.
"Haven't I taught you not to hit or kick, DB?!"
He laughs at me. "Yes Mommy," he smiles.

Four more weeks until his graduation ceremony. Then he becomes a full-time soldier. In active duty. And I stop sleeping at night.

And as he speaks I think to myself: This is my son. My little boy. This handsome, very buff, dimpled-smiling young man; he's my son. He calls me "mommy." He hugs me and doesn't let go. He's my boy. And he is so calm. So mature. So manly. So real.

I am in awe. I am proud. And I am in awe. Where did he come from?

Who is he?

He is my son. My "boy". My man of a son.

Still can't wrap my head around it!

I'm obsessed...

2010-08-20T04:48:00.001+02:00

Eat Pray Love is my new very favorite book.
Wanna keep reading and reading.
Liz Gilbert writes my inner thoughts and feelings and words.
Can't get enough of it!

Processing...

2010-08-10T09:42:00.002+03:00

Friendships
and feelings.
Visitors
and strangers.
Right
and wrong.
Good
and bad.
Knowing
and thinking.
Feeling
and wondering.
Loving
and appreciating.
Touching
and hugging.
Laughing
and crying.
Eating
and drinking.
Wishing
and doing.
Believing...

Spreading my wings

2010-07-14T22:16:00.002+03:00

Being a therapist can be complicated.
We don't want people to need therapy.

On the other hand, I am thankful for the ability to be able to connect and help people with their struggles and worries, fears and unknowns.

So now I have been called to a new area of Israel. One that I never intended to cover. But there has been a request for my presence. So I am going. I have found a small office to rent. And will get to work.

Acting as an agent from G-d in trying to help those who need me.

The adventure begins...

Networking

2010-07-12T23:52:00.002+03:00

It's the name of the game.
Gotta network.
Gotta be seen.
People have to remember you are out there.
Be memorable.

"Oh yeah. I've been meaning to call you..."

That kind of stuff.

Slowly. It happens.

I believe. Put your energy out into the world that you are there...the world will catch on.

It's a great feeling.

Bad Dreams

2010-07-11T01:01:00.002+03:00

I keep having them.

Anxiety dreams of having to go places and not being ready. Not having everything. Forgetting something, or not being able to find it.

I wake up crying.

Another bad dream of seeing old roommates I lost touch with.

I cried because they were angry at me.

Seems trivial. I remember wanting to wake up from the dreams so badly. But couldn't.

What does it all mean?

More of what I WANT to write about

2010-07-11T00:57:00.002+03:00

I wanna be able to walk the mall, with no pain

I wanna be able to eat anything and not get nauseous, have stomach pain, or gain weight

I want to be able to exercise and not have pain

I want to be able to travel the world with no plans

I wanna be able to be spontaneous

I want to be able to sleep as long as I want and not feel guilt

I want to not feel guilt - ever

I want to not feel so deeply

I want to love unconditionally - always

I want to relax, chill, and just BE

I want to just know

Another reason I made aliyah

2010-07-04T01:45:00.004+03:00

As I write this at 1:45 am, my son and about 10 young men and women are sitting outside on our porch, eating, talking, laughing and singing to the guitar.
They made a poyke tonight. A poyke is a cast iron pot that you put in a fire with meat and potatoes and vegies and whatever spices you want. We have a fire pit in our backyard, perfect for a poyke.
They are 20-something year old young adults. No beer. No alcohol. No smoking. No sexual stuff going on. Just a bunch of "kids" hanging out on their weekends off from the army or national service, enjoying each others stories. Perfectly normal and innocent living.

This is why we made aliyah!!

Being a faker

2010-06-23T23:57:00.001+03:00

How many of you fake how you are feeling?

Pretend everything is great - put up that wall?

I'm so bad at it.

"No one wants to be around a bitch," Grandma Rose would say to me. I would argue with her.

Still would.

Doing what I want, instead of what I should

2010-06-23T00:55:00.002+03:00

Should have:
- cleaned off my desk
- worked in Ely's room to get her organized before her trip
- written an article for any English speaking magazine in the area
- made a card or bought flowers to take to the show tonight
- baked for Shabbat

Instead:
- I washed all the dishes in the kitchen (OK, not really what I wanted, but it felt so good!)
- cut out cartoons that I wanted to keep and made a couple laminated pages of my favorites
- decorated some more plastic cups
- took a nap
- took a shower
- took ELy to see a great show in JM

Not a bad day

We graduated

2010-06-22T00:14:00.002+03:00

We did it.
12 years of meeting every year, about 4 months into the school year, to tell the teachers, this is normal.
We just have to get her over this hump.

12 years later, we are done. No more. For now, at least.

There will still be humps, I am sure. And we will remind her that the humps need patience and perseverance.

But she has surpassed our expectations.

Another child - another hero!

NED - YOU did it!!

Judgments

2010-06-21T10:16:00.002+03:00

Why are we so judgmental?

Why can't we/I just accept. Why must we have opinions? And not just be accepting?

Call them observations?

They are judgments.

Judgments are so hurtful.

Acceptance.

Just write

2010-06-21T00:49:00.003+03:00

I've started about three blog posts over the last month. One about this and another about that. Finished them, didn't finish them.

Like the perfect journal, it has to be the right place and time.

Excuses excuses...
Just write.
Write about my thoughts of right and wrong - good and bad
Write about how hard it is to live in the gray
Write about my client that is really pushing my personal buttons.
Write about my new business cards and the new blog site
Write about NED graduating and MB turning 19.
Write about what I was doing when I turned 19 - or when I graduated high school
Write about how DB has been calling more during the week to say hello - because he can and wants to
Write about how Ely performed a hip hop dance on her own, is finishing fourth grade, and has been reading "the book" with me.
Write about all the ideas I have to celebrate my birthday
Write about my new rock and shoe garden
write about how cool it is that Mom knows how to work skype
Write about my anxiety and excitement to visit everyone in the U.S.
Write about how I feel about gaining weight or losing weight

Stop thinking about it
Just write about it

Living in Denial

2010-05-26T11:06:00.003+03:00

I live in a country where war is a possibility every moment of every day. And yet, I live as if it will never happen.

The siren wails to tell us to prepare ourselves "just-in-case".

I don't go anywhere.
I stop what I'm doing.
I start to shake. The tears come without my control.
I feel the reality of where I live.
I think, "Maybe I should really have a room prepared with water and flashlights and food."

But then I don't.

The news tells us, "in case of an actually emergency, a second siren will sound."

I wait for that second siren. It does not sound.

I go back to what I'm doing.

Where else in my life am I living in denial?!?

The Critical Voice

2010-05-25T20:39:00.002+03:00

Exploring that voice within myself.
After all these years, I never realized how much it was running and ruining my life.

Drew the voice today.
I was asked if I wanted to tear up the image I created.

I didn't.

On one hand I hate it.
On the other hand I don't want it to leave me.

Exploring that.
Why do I need that critical voice if it causes so much pain?

I don't like being a critical person.
I don't like what it does to me.
I don't like what it does to my relationships with other people.

but I'm not ready to get rid of it so quickly.

Interesting.
Curious.
Exploring.

A day of feeling feelings...

2010-05-21T00:02:00.002+03:00

Just couldn't get away from them. I woke up from an anxiety dream, and couldn't get away from intense feelings all day.
I wanted so much to just shake them off.
But they were there.
Making me tear.
Making me sad
And anxious
and irritable.
I called a friend - thanks friend!!

I cried.
I colored.
I expressed.
Then I just relaxed.
And the intensity lessened.
I can think about the feelings.
But I don't feel them as intensely.

Some days are easier than others...

26 years since High School graduation

2010-05-19T21:44:00.002+03:00

I remember it, in detail - mostly because I kept a diary, and took pictures. The details are all there - even the ones I want to forget!

I remember changing the date of graduation from the beginning. It was originally sceduled on the first night of Shavuot. A Jewish holiday. Matthew P. was the first one to see it on the school calendar, the first day of school. All the seniors sitting in the auditorium. Handed the calendars. Graduation was announced. Matthew said, "Sarah can't graduate. It's Shavuoth." I cried. Mom took me to meet with the principal. Then the superintendent of schools. We got graduation switched with Linganore. No Jews there.

When we practiced for graduation, I was put in the back. Next to...shoot! I forget his name.... I was second to last. He was last. I have a picture with him from after graduation. Shoot!
I left my cap and gown behind stage. I walked from my house on 2nd street. Missed the processional. Snuck in the back entrance. Put on my cap and gown. Took my seat - no one in the audience - except my family - ever knew. They drove over after the holiday was over. In time to see me have my name called and walk to the middle of the stage. I put my arms in the air and yelled, "I DID IT!!!!!" My mother was mortified.
Went home. Made havdalah, changed, and got picked up by Matt W in his truck!! I loved that truck! I think I loved Matt W then, too!

Drove up to Derrick M's house for the after party. A lot of details I remember, a lot I can't. A lot my diary remembers, a lot I can't write here...

It was a night to remember.
I am still so thankful to the friends I made and have kept.

26 years.
A lifetime ago.
Now I live on a yishuv in Israel with my husband and children.
Who would've thunk?!?!

Back to life..

2010-05-12T22:54:00.002+03:00

Slowly and procrastinatingly surely, I am getting back to life.

Catching up on laundry, mail, dishes.

Need more time for my desk and bedroom dresser.

Still have to organize pictures from my trip. Still need to change over my bag and wallet from my trip.

Back to life - whether I am ready or not...

No more Thumb

2010-05-11T01:27:00.002+03:00

Ely announced tonight as I was putting her to bed, that she really wants to suck her thumb but she is not going to.
Just like that.
She says it's because BooBoo (ari's mom) told her she would make her a quilt if she stopped.
I want to tell her, it's okay. She can still suck her thumb if she wants to.
But she has stopped.
Just like that.
Another sign that my baby is no more.
How can I stop the clock?

Want to appreciate

2010-05-09T01:38:00.003+03:00

It's been a long time since I have had Shabbat guests that consist of the children of people that have made a real difference in my life.
In no specific order:
S. Katz - Both his father (who as a teenager I had a love/hate relationship with) and mother were very much a part of my religious growth and friendship
Y. Spigelman - Beside the fact that he is almost family (his Aunt is my sister-in-law), Y's parents have been my friends for many many years
B. Caplan - His father was my friend through some very difficult teenage years, and his mother was my college roommate until she married my friend
J. Sykes - His father was one of my very first NCSY advisors, he was always so kind and friendly
S. Lowenbraun - Too much to say about the meaning it brings to have my Rabbi and Rebbetzin's son in my home! Overwhelming emotion!
C. Finkelstein - the connection to Frederick, Shoresh and where I come from
And, of course
AZ Edelman - my nephew. My family. I miss family so much! Connection to my roots. In my home. At my table. A part of me. Here. Connecting all the boys together

I don't want to forget the other boys - the ones that I have only gotten to know - some more, some less - over the last year.
I am thankful that G-d has allowed Ari and I and our children to create a comfortable and inspiring home for these boys.

I just wish they knew how much they inspire me!

It's raining in Bologna, Italy

2010-05-02T20:12:00.002+03:00

Raining hard, so we are hanging out in our hotel room.
My feet are killing me anyhow - I am done walking around for a very long time!!!

We stopped here in Bologna, on the way back to Rome. Originally we were going to drive, but were convinced by the Italian man at the front desk of our hotel in Venice, that it was a bad idea.

We hopped a train to Bologna. Hanging out here for the night and then heading the rest of the way south to fly out of Rome late Monday night.

I'm done.
Done walking.
Done sightseeing.
Done looking for a kosher place to eat, or eating dried fruit and nuts or canned tuna and crackers.
Done packing and repacking.
Done shlepping my luggage (Now broken from bouncing down the steps in Venice) off and on trains.
I miss my family.
I miss my bed.
My shower.
My food.
My home.

Ready to get back to work.
Ready to focus on other people.
Ready to stop being so selfish.
Ready to be home.

Checking in from Florence, Italy

2010-04-27T23:28:00.002+02:00

Today is Day 3 of a trip that just sort of happened.

I was invited.
I said no.
Ari said, "You're going!"
I'm here.

2 and a half days in Rome. ALOT of walking. Many sights.
Too many churches. For me.
Disgusted by the graffiti. everywhere.

Obsessed with doors and windows. Amazing art.

Trained to Florence.
Took a short night stroll around the city.
Can't wait to see it by daylight.

This trip reminds me of the time Ari "let" me spend several nights at a hotel in Maine, by myself, so I could write my thesis.
That was a gift from Ari. It was hard for me to be alone without feeling guilty.

Self-indulgence was something I was taught I am not supposed to enjoy. Not sure why. But it was very clear: work and responsibility are the priority.

Having fun, enjoy myself, not allowed. I exaggerate the message for myself, i know.

Very hard for me to fight it. Fight the counter message -- TO LIVE. TO ENJOY.

TO HAVE SOME FUN!!!!

I am enjoying myself. I am thankful to Emily - and her Uncle! Still not sure why she asked me. And I don't know how I will ever be able to thank either of them properly.

Because this is not just a trip to Italy.

It is a trip back to myself....

Yom Hazikaron - Israeli Memorial Day

2010-04-19T10:06:00.002+02:00

The day feels so heavy. So much more meaning to me having DB in the Israeli army.
It's real.
But then I think, he's not mine. G-d gave him to me. G-d is taking care of him and all his friends and all the men and women who are working to keep us safe and fight off the evil in the world.
And then I think, there is so much evil in the world.
So much sadness. So much real life. Death and birth. And loss. And wondering when will it all be over?
It's a hard one this year. As DB gets closer to his actual service. I wonder, what should I pray for?
Who am I to ask of G-d? It's been His plan since the day he allowed me to become pregnant with my little boy. And then He used me as His messenger to raise an honest, respectful, strong and kind man. DB will always be a part of me, but he is not mine.

That is how I feel.
It's an emotional day.

Don't wanna go to sleep.

2010-04-18T23:54:00.000+02:00

'cuz then I have to wake up.

Just easier to sleep....

My morning appreciation list...

2010-04-07T08:48:00.002+02:00

1. A husband who loves and respects me, publicly.
2. Having a close relationship with my TEENAGE daughters.
3. Friends who really know me, are thoughtful and fun.
4. Money to buy food.
5. The G-d given ability to make a difference in people's lives.

Thoughts going around and around...

2010-04-07T00:14:00.003+02:00

Once again, it's been awhile. Still, the thoughts have been there. Going around and around, without allowing myself to write them down. Prepare yourself:

Being far away and wanting to be closer. Wishing I had the money to be closer whenever I want. Then thinking, life its too short. That's what the money is there for. Just spend it. When it runs out, then you really won't have any to spend and the excuse will be real. How do i balance living with not spending?

I haven't bought myself a new piece of clothing in 2 years, at least. No exaggeration. Why am I depriving myself?

The gray hairs. Where'd they come from? When did they grow. Suddenly they are there. Growing from my temples, where I always read they began. More and more everyday it seems. How can it be that I am getting gray? That I am getting old? Just how can that be?!?

Resigning from a job I believe in. When I believe in what I do and how I do it. How it works. How it helps. Being a part of something good. Something big. But not trusting. Not feeling safe. Not having the confidence is what makes me have to leave. That makes me sad. There is a feeling of mourning. Of loss. Losing or leaving something good in my life, that just has to end. it's a difficult decision. but it is the ethical one to make.

Family dynamics. Who is right? What difference does it make? WHat dynamics am I creating for my children?

Eating and eating and eating. Double chins, tight skirts, no exercise. Need to breathe. Need to move. Need to like myself. Losing that. Don't need to be told what to do. i know. Just need to do it. Why is it so hard?

Watching MB go through the freshman-like weight gain and not liking herself in pictures. I hear myself. It's so hard to hear. I remember, I feel it too.

Sitting next to DB in the back seat. Ari and his Dad in the front. Taking DB back to his base after the holiday. On our way to JM for work. I sit next to him. I want to hold his hand. I want to put my arm in his. I want to be close to him. I want to just touch his hand. But I can only try to start a conversation that ends after a few vague words from him. I want a way to be close to him. Like it used to be. Hold him on my lap. Snuggle up with my little boy... But he is a man now. No longer a boy. I see it, I feel it. I went into his room on Shabbat. He was sleeping without his shirt. There was a man in his bed. A man that resembled my little boy. It threw me off. I barely recognized him. I just stood in the doorway and stared....
Makes me sad. And proud. And thankful and blessed. And sad.

Ely is growing before my eyes. Watched a video of her from a couple years ago. So cute. Little and sweet. She is a young lady now. Gets herself dressed. Tells me my outfits don't match. Brushes her own her. Makes her own pony tails. She is rarely home. She has no playmates in the house. No siblings for her to play with. Her friends have become her siblings. I'm sorry. I feel bad. Wish I could have had another for her. I am happy she can go out and be with friends. She is a wonderful playmate. Her friends love her. And she is not my baby anymore.

So what does that mean for me. And for Ari? For both of us together. Grandma Rose warned me this would happen: "Someday your kids are going to leave you and you're gonna be left staring at your husband saying, 'Who the hell are you!?'"

Reading Nicholas Sparks "The Last Song." Cried. Couldn't put it down. Made me think. If I was given less than 12 months to live, what else would I want to do?

I want to travel. Only a few places I want to see: I want to visit Ireland. I want to see Denmark. New Zealand. And Figi. Maybe Alaska. I want to see a glacier.

I want to spend everyday, all day, creating things: painting, glueing, coloring, making. Without any other obligations, without feeling guilty that I'm not doing the laundry, or making dinner, or cleaning the house.

I wish my desk had an automatic organizer and cleaning button.

Need to find more clients. Need to run some groups. Blah blah blah. You've heard it all before. So have I.

I could go on...

Maybe another time.

What gets me at Israeli weddings

2010-03-23T01:40:00.002+02:00

It's not the happy couple, although seeing them so happy makes me smile wide.

It's not watching the parents look on with pride and the memory of their little boy or girl now all grown up.

It's not even the blessings given to the couple as they start their new life together.

What gets me - and brings me to tears, sometimes uncontrollably - is watching the boys call them young men - from the groom's army unit show up in their uniforms, and sometimes changing in the bathroom, watching them dance together. Hug each other. Hold on to each other as if they know something very deep we don't. A secret about camaraderie and dependence on another for your life, for days and nights upon end spent together really getting to know each other. It's the most profound experience to watch. It's so real.

And knowing DB is going through this now just gets me even more....

Ely-ism

2010-03-23T01:38:00.001+02:00

I asked Ely if she wanted honey on her toast. Her response?

"I don't like honey."

What kid doesn't like honey?

I guess my kid.

No such thing...

2010-03-23T01:35:00.002+02:00

I wish there were no such thing as:

- abuse. Physical,emotional OR sexual.

- the perfect body.

- drinking alcohol to forget or not feel. Or to actually feel.

- morning.

- distrust.

- suspicion.

- danger.

- unknowns.

Still trying to appreciate

2010-03-17T00:14:00.003+02:00

1. Ari for bringing me home a new ipod that I still haven't figured out how to use!
2. My friends for listening.
3. Ely for giving me a kiss in front of her friends before she gets out of the car every day I drive carpool.
4. NED for cleaning her room without me yelling at her 10 times.
5. G-d and the doctors for helping my Mom feel better

Ely's cuteness

2010-03-12T00:01:00.001+02:00

That's all.
She is so talkative.
And so cute.
With so many questions.
Love this age.

My 5 appreciations for today

2010-03-11T23:39:00.002+02:00

In no order:

1. The pilot and plane for bringing Ari home safely.
2. Ari for doing such a great shopping job.
3. Ely, for waking me up this morning so I could get her ready for school.
4. My car for making it to and from Jerusalem.
5. NED for finally putting away the towels and sheets that have been sitting on the table all week.

What MB is doing...

2010-03-10T23:31:00.002+02:00

I hope I can copy this video to my blog. Don't really know how to do this...

Look for Malka's back at about 5:21 into the video.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/video/video.php?v=105409859488053&ref=mf

How is DB?

2010-03-10T23:27:00.002+02:00

Everyone asks me that question.
I don't know what to answer, really.
I guess he's okay.
I guess he's happy.
No news is good news.
I only speak to him on Fridays for a few minutes and he can't really tell me what he is doing.
He's alive, thank G-d.
He's healthy, thank G-d.
At least I think so...

How else should I answer?

Amazing NED

2010-03-10T23:25:00.001+02:00

I just need to say she is exceeding my expectations.
She is really coming through for herself.
I believed in her, and she is doing it -- ALL!
Thank you G-d!!

Today's 5 things to appreciate

2010-03-10T23:03:00.002+02:00

1. The person who called the house at 7:45 this morning. Yes, you thankfully woke us up. Otherwise I would have missed DRIVING carpool!!
2. My friend, for giving me a hug when she saw me at the supermarket.
3. Ely, for making me sit with her to eat dinner.
4. An "old" friend from public school who said she sent me Girl Scout cookies!
5. My doctor for calling me back to say he wrote me a prescription for anti-migraine pills

Quiet House

2010-03-10T00:09:00.002+02:00

I think I am getting used to the quiet.

I am torn whether to invite people for Shabbat because I like the simplicity and the quiet.

Does that make me a bad person? I know the answer. I just feel guilty. I tell myself, I've done my time.

But I am just not interested in hosting so many people anymore. Maybe it's temporary...

Ely is growing up in such a different house and environment than the older 3 did. Better or worse?

I don't know.

For now, I like it the way it is.

5 more things I appreciate from today

2010-03-10T00:02:00.002+02:00

Again, in no particular order:

1. My cleaning lady and the fact that my clients pay me so I can pay her.
2. My friend, the neurologist, who gave me a free consultation and diagnosed me with having migraines. Now I can get the proper pain killers.
3. Ely and NED for liking tofu stir fry.
4. NED's friends for dragging her with them to the gym.
5. The internet - I'm loving watching "Modern Family!"

5 things I appreciate today

2010-03-08T23:42:00.004+02:00

Again, in no particular order:

1. A friend for telling me about the TV show "Modern Family." I haven't laughed at silly TV in a long time!
2. Our family neurologist friend who said he'd help me get rid of my headaches
3. Ely for wanting to snuggle longer in the morning
4. NED for putting away the clean dishes, even though she was dead tired
5. Ari for doing more shopping for us

shopping withdrawal

2010-03-08T15:37:00.001+02:00

I need to win the lottery-
I need to shop-
for stuff I don't need-
for stuff I want-
for stuff I MIGHT need!

but who has the money to shop?!

Appreciation

2010-03-08T15:36:00.001+02:00

I appreciate Ely for being my little big girl and still being home with me once in awhile!

Grandma Rose was right, they DO grow up and leave you!

Friends over family

2010-03-08T01:29:00.002+02:00

I remember it well.
The argument with my mom when she had a family event planned and I had plans to be with friends.
It seems MB has done the same.
This weekend. I thought we would all be together for Shabbat. DB is coming home (I hope)
MB has other plans.
To be with friends. Before the boys go off to the army.
Friends over family.
I guess it was bound to happen...

5 things I appreciate from today

2010-03-08T00:58:00.002+02:00

In no particular order:
1. My car started and got me safely to Jerusalem
2. Ely wanted to snuggle before she got dressed for school.
3. I brought my needlepoint with me to staff meeting so I wouldn't lose my mind.
4. My SIL took Ari shopping.
5. Ari went shopping for me and the kids.

More stuff...

2010-03-03T21:55:00.002+02:00

When I don't blog often enough I only give myself permission to make lists of stuff I WOULD write about if I wrote more often:

- Mourning the death of one of "my moms", Mrs. Anne Cohen, mother of my very dear friend, Brucie. Mrs. Cohen always made me feel so loved and welcome whenever I was in her home. I can see her sitting in the kitchen with her apron on. Welcoming me with a smile and wanting to know about my life. She raised loving sons who adored her. I am sad for my friend. And wish I could be closer to be able to hug him and let him know that even though his Mom is no longer here, he is still very much loved!

- Raising children. Now that most of my kids are grown and out of the house, I see now how all my touch love, consistent, difficult parenting has paid off. I have given them tools to be responsible, capable and mature young adults. What more could I ask for after all my tears and difficult child raising? Now, to see Ely through the same process.

- Purim overload. This year after about 4 hours of loud singing and yelling with over 50 people in my house - I wanted to hide. I didn't want it to end - but I needed to hide. I was feeling overloaded. Too much noise. AM I becoming my mother?!

- Feeling compassion fatigue.

- Frustrated over trying to take care of physical stuff

- Is worry a misguided attempt to control my world? A colleague accused me of this. In a supportive way. Gave me one more thing to think about.

- Ari traveling. His nephew's Bar Mitzvah. I'm jealous. I want to see MY family. Should we spend the over $1000 and let Ari take ELy with him? It's only money.

enough for now

My Self-Indulgent day

2010-02-20T22:58:00.002+02:00

I decided this Shabbat, since Ari was going to be in Jerusalem for a work related Shabbat, that I was going to self-indulge myself.
No cooking, no guests, no doing anything for anyone, but me
So it sort of worked.
I baked cookies to take with us (NED, ELY and I) to our hosts for Friday night. And ELY and I baked several dozen hamantashen for Purim.

Friday night, after the meal, ELY and I took a walk around the yishuv, visited some friends, and came home to lay on the couch and read. At 10:30, ELY announced she was ready to go to sleep. I took her up to Ari's bed and sang with her until she was asleep. I went back down to the couch to read until NED woke me up and we both went upstairs.

I woke up several times during the night,as I usually do, but fell quickly back to sleep. ELY woke me up in the morning to say she had given herself breakfast and was taking her self to synagogue. NED did the same a couple hours later.

I slept and read, on and off, the entire day. Only getting out of bed to use the toilet. I did not eat anything, and was not hungry. I only left my bed after 5 PM when it got too dark in my room to read - it was still Shabbat and I couldn't turn on the light.

That was my day of self-indulgent rest. Reading a good book, which I must finish tonight, not getting out of bed, not serving or cleaning up after anyone, and not feeling one bit guilty about it!!

Back to reality and people....