Just something to write about
I know I'm gonna catch a lot of flack from this post, but let it be...
While procrastinating what I should really be doing I found this article on the front page of Boston Globe.com
I know I am in that high-risk club. My mother's sister died of breast cancer, and both my mother's parents died of some form of cancer as well. My mother is very diligent about getting her mammograms and other cancer-proofing tests.
For some reason, I'm not so diligent. Something in me just doesn’t care.
Is it denial? Maybe.
Is it laziness? Maybe that too.
Here is what I think: I'm going to die anyhow. Whenever that time is, will be the time I was supposed to die. It might cause a lot of pain to the people around me, but that was what was supposed to happen.
I'm not going to step in front of a bus or do something else more obvious to kill myself. But I feel that if I'm going to get cancer, then that's what's supposed to happen.
I haven't thought about it anymore than that.
Correction: I've thought about the quality of life thing, and the part about avoiding suffering.
And maybe I've even thought about the part of being alive to see my children grow and see my grandchildren.
But then I go back to if I’m supposed to die, then I’m going to die and that was what was supposed to happen.
So when it’s convenient, maybe I’ll get my act together to get a mammogram or any of the other gazillion tests my mother does, but for now I’ll just live my life.
Does that make any sense to you?
PS: After rereading this post I sense a bit of apathy coming from my writing. Not sure where it is coming from exactly? But the sense of just not caring permeates throughout my feeling level. Could it be, on a basic psychological level, that I just don’t care enough about myself? That I don’t think my being in the world makes enough of a difference to really care.
I don’t see myself being like Brainhell and trying to fight the disease. I just see myself letting it happen.
Still thinking about it.
OK, now you can tell me what you really think!!
posted by Sarah Smile @ 4:00 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
I found out a few years ago that I had a "mild" case of lymphoma. I was very young and I thought healthy at the time. The moment someone says "cancer" to you, you go thru the dying scenario in your head for a few days, cry a ton, but then something primal kicks in. You WILL fight it, no matter what, to the fullest extent of your ability. I had 6 months of very unpleasant chemo, but came out a much stronger person. I never wish it upon anyone - but if g-d forbid, you were actually confronted with it, i think you might change your tune.
Spaz
I'm kind of in the same situation. All kinds of weird stuff from all sides. If it's gonna happen, it will, it's out of our control. Do I think about it, yes, same thoughts you have, but do I seek out medical tests and advice....NO! We'll be fine, one day the light bulb will go on for us, and we will wake up. When? I have no clue.
I love you lots!
Hag Kasher V'Samaech!
Spaz
I certainly understand the sentiment. But there is a limit to "what will be, will be." From a Jewish point of view, doctors and medical care are considered a good thing. We're not like Christian Scientists, thinking that medical intervention is a twisting of G-d's will. If your time comes, it will, but you owe it to yourself and your family to be around for Ely's wedding!
I have to say, your apathy seems to me a bit like depression. Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed by everything right now, and it's affecting you more than you realize?
I certainly hope you never have to deal with such a situation. As far as attitudes go, perhaps it's the desire to enjoy life as it is, without additional concerns and complications. While such tests can bring additional complications, they can also bring peace of mind. Perhaps your attitude will change over time.
I find it pretty incredible that a woman so passionate about taking care of everyone else is so indifferent about taking care of herself! Could it be that you simply need to hear the people around you say, "Hey, SB! Wake up! We need you around, so take care of yourself!" Then perhaps you would more assertive with protecting your own body and soul. And not when it's convenient either.
I agree, you must be having a tough week. Weeks? Why have health care? Cancel your health insurance. Heck, cancel your car insurance. I have a question for you. What's the point of Teshuva? If G-d knows our fate and what He will do with us at the end of our days, why repent, why do the right thing? G-d will take us when it is our time and we will get what we deserve based on who we are inside not what we did in our lives. Why follow the Torah? Let me know because I would sure love to take a trip down to my local IHOP (especially this week) and thus far it is not kosher. Go to the doctor. Get your mammogram or your MRI or your blood test or whatever other tests your doctor deems necessary. Do it for you. Do it for you husband and your grown babies and all the other family and friends that you love. You have much work to be done and many more tender moments to be shared. It is nice and Jewish to say you'll live to 120 and I hope you do, but you have only lived about half of your years thus far. How strange is that to think about?
Oh and by the way to make it even better for us women, I heard a mammogram hurts like the dickens. Of course it does. :) Happy Holiday!
I have an Uncle who can eat a bucket of fried chicken in a single sitting, and weighs over 300 lbs. When I ask him about his health concerns, he just says, "The Lord will take me when the Lord wants me." I'm not a doctor, but I'd recommend keeping up with one's health. After all, sometimes you don't really appreciate what you have 'till it's gone.
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