Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Reality is allowed to be hard!

I'm finding it so fascinating that when I say that I don't like my reality or that it's hard, people I love dearly, seem to feel the need to suggest that I find things to do to keep myself busy. Or be happy or be thankful for what I have. Or don't think about the reality - distract myself. Why is that?

No where have I said I am not grateful, thankful or feeling blessed by the good I have in my life.
I appreciate every blessing I have been given.
I recognize it.
I'm thankful for it.
I love it.
I know all the things I "should" do or feel.
I know. I'm very deeply aware.

Yet, none of that takes away from the fact that the reality is hard.
I'm not depressed by it. I'm not wallowing in it.
I'm only recognizing and accepting that what I am feeling about my reality right now is hard.

I am feeling it.

Suddenly, my children - who I have put my full heart and soul and energy and life into for the past 25 years - have gone off alone or with their significant others and are creating their own lives where they don't need or want me.

So what if that is what I have raised them to be able to do. So what if that is what I have prayed for them to be able to do.
The reality is hard.

I don't need anyone to try to make me feel better. I'm fine.

Validating might be nice, though.
Why do people around me seem to have such difficulty validating negative feelings?
They seem to be uncomfortable with real and difficult feelings.
Hard and difficult does not mean impossible.

Reality is hard. Period.
Yeah. It would be different if I was wallowing or not functioning. But I'm functioning.

I'm actually celebrating how great it is!

Yet. It's still hard.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Today. Friday, July 11

I woke up today and decided I needed to write.

Last night I baked two batches of chocolate chip cookies and two batches of ginger cookies. MB will make two trays of potato kugel.

Our yishuv will be bringing Shabbat food to the soldiers on the border of Gaza.

NED went to bed alone last night. Not knowing where her soldier husband is.

DB helped me make the cookies, saying, "I can't believe I'm here making cookies, and not there."

Ari is on a bike ride. Hope he has his gun with him.

ELY has a friend sleeping over.

I'm going back into the kitchen to prepare for Shabbat. We will be hosting one of DB's army buddies, as well as MB's newly married friend who has been in and out of bomb shelters in Ashdod.

It's so hot. I think about our soldiers out their in this heat. I worry about them and then get frustrated that there is nothing I can do.

I want to go to the beach, but there are missiles flying over the beaches. I feel a little guilty for going to the beach when others are hiding in their shelters.

This is my existence right now. And I will not let them beat me.

My reality and your reality

My reality is different than your reality.

And yet so much is the same.

Both our lives go on.
In my reality and your reality, we both wake up in the morning to start our day and go to work.
In my reality and your reality, we both have to go food shopping, and clothes shopping, and run our errands to the bank and post office.
In my reality and your reality, we both have to balance our checkbooks and make sure we can pay our bills.
In my reality and your reality, we both have to make dinner for our families.
In my reality and your reality, we both have to run a load or two or three through the washer and then dry, fold and put away the clean clothes.
In my reality and your reality, we both have to scrub our toilets and sinks, and vacuum and/or wash our floors.
In my reality and your reality, we both have to take out the garbage.
In my reality and your reality, we both have to brush our teeth and wash our faces.
In my reality and your reality we both have to hug and kiss our children.

So many things are the same....and then so many are different.

Today I am sensitively aware of how different.
I chose to live in Israel, and therefore I chose to see how different our realities are.
I do wish my reality was different.
But I don't wish to live your reality so that I can have that different reality.

I'm staying here.
In my reality, which is a lot like yours, but so very different!

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

I wanna write....

I wanna write about my cousin Philip dying.

I wanna write about my daughter getting married.

I wanna write about my finishing teaching my classes.

I wanna write about my Rebbetzin passing away without warning. And,how lost and scared I feel.

I wanna write about my new relationships with my new sons (in law).

I wanna write about my other daughter getting married.

I wanna write about how different my kids are. And how after 25 years of parenting, I still struggle with parenting each child differently.

I wanna write about my frustrations and disappointments.

But right now all I can really write about is how, if I was to die tomorrow, my family and this house would fall apart. I seem to be the only one who knows where anything goes.
No one pays attention to the details. No one notices what's out of place.

No one sees the pile of dishes or laundry. Or things to put away.
No one seems to care 

So it all becomes my responsibility. And it pisses me off. I don't want it.
Maybe I've been a bad parent and enabled my family not to take responsibility. 

Whatever it is, I'm thankful to have healthy children and friends.
The rest is just stuff to complain about.

Thursday, May 08, 2014

All accounted for...

Going to sleep tonight with all my children in their OWN beds -- including B. the new son (in law).

Feeling extremely grateful. And not to be taken for granted!

I think Y, the other new son (in law), got left on the couch by MB. He eventually went home!!

Yup. I'm grateful.

Wednesday, May 07, 2014


Another month without writing.
Reading about vulnerability and Daring Greatly.
Put myself out there, if you want to read it, you can. If you don't, don't. But keep your criticism to yourself.

What is complaining about? Why complain? 
Some say it's not worth it.
Some say it doesn't help.
Others say no one cares.
And then there is, just be happy...
You've got so much to be thankful for.

So is it worth it to complain? I might feel better, but no one really DOES care. And what can anyone do about it?
It's the conflict between feeling and expressing myself and keeping it to myself.

They're right, I've got so much to be thankful for.
And I also have some much to complain about...

Sunday, April 06, 2014

I can't breathe!

I'm overwhelmed.
It's all happening too fast.
Just so much goodness, I don't know how to manage it!?

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Family dinner

DB came back from snowboarding in France.

MB was studying all day.

We waited for NED to get home from work.

Ely stayed up late for her siblings...starving!

Ari made the delicious salmon. And tried to make rice. ;)

I finished with my last client at 8, and made the stir-fry vegies and whole wheat cous-cous.

We sat down at 8:45 pm for a family dinner. Around the kitchen table. Not on Shabbat.

Ely made a comment about us all being together. NED did too. They both said, "This is so nice."

DB told us about his trip.
MB told us what she was studying.
NED cried when we spoke about wedding plans and the army's control over that.
Ely made us laugh.

I tried to take it all in. Every moment.

Our grown children laughing together and supporting each other. Enjoying being together.

And then it was over. Everyone put their dishes in the dish washer and went on with their lives.
DB went to study.
MB went to study.
NED went to her room to cry more.
Ely got ready for bed.
I wonder if those 45 minutes will change their lives as much as it did mine?

Family dinners - so necessary!
And I'm very thankful.