Why I don't go to sleep

If I stay up, then I get things done.
Problem is, I'm too tired to do anything.

If I go to sleep I've wasted time not getting things done.

Seems so logical, but sounds so stupid.

So I stay up just in case I get something done.

But I never do.

What the hell is wrong with me?!

Where did Superwoman go?

She used to live in my body.

And now she seems to have disappeared.

Every so often she comes back for a visit and makes me look good again.

But, otherwise.

I am on my own.

And not doin' what I used to.

Wonder why she left me?!

Speaking with confidence

Trying to teach my children - even the adult ones - to speak with confidence.

Ask for what you want. Ask for what you need. Ask with confidence.

Being able to deal with disappointment.

Say it like you mean it.

Not demanding, but confident.

Know what it is you want.

Don't be whishy-washy

Planning a Bat mitzvah

Invitations.

Who to invite.

What to wear? What do I care?

Priorities. What is important?

I used to be so judgmental. Now, I don't care.

Make it what she wants.

Decisions.

Money.

Colors.

Cost.

Making people happy.

Wishing I could just show up.

Disappointments.

Making her happy.

Wanting her to feel special.

Wanting it all to go away.

Proud.

Exhausted.Snapping my fingers.

Let me know when it's over.

Turning on the heat

Why do I feel guilty for turning on the heat when it's just me in the house?!

But it's cooold!!

Matisyahu and Me

Quoted from Matisyahu: "When I started becoming religious 10 years ago it was a very natural and organic process. It was my choice. My journey to discover my roots and explore Jewish spirituality—not through books but through real life. At a certain point I felt the need to submit to a higher level of religiosity…to move away from my intuition and to accept an ultimate truth. I felt that in order to become a good person I needed rules—lots of them—or else I would somehow fall apart. I am reclaiming myself. Trusting my goodness and my divine mission."

Wow!
I understand he has the fame and the money and the publicity to say and do whatever he wants. And I'd love to be able to sit him down at my Shabbat table and ask him a thing or two.

But I admit, I admire his courage. (And I know I'm going to get flack from people for saying that!)

Rules. Fear of falling apart without them. Trusting ourselves. Trusting MYself.
It's a huge step.

And although he's gonna confuse a lot of people, I say, "Good for you Matisyahu!"

Tuesday, the day before Wednesday

I wake up and go...

Just keep going.

If I stopped and let myself feel, I wouldn't be able to move.

SO I just keep going.
Finding things to laugh and smile about.

Enjoying my family. my friends.

Planning Ely's Bat Mitzvah.

I just keep going...
And look forward to GLEE tomorrow :) !!!!

Off to Jerusalem, I go. To try and be present and make a difference in three women's lives.

What are you doing to make a difference in someone's life today?

Leaving Facebook

I did an experiment for myself last week.

I made no profile post updates on Facebook for a week, and checked my newsfeed only one time a day, really only looking for specific messages (like Glee updates!!) and sent birthday messages.

NO ONE knew I was gone. No one commented. No one wondered where I was.
Which didn't upset me. It just made me realize that I need Facebook more than my friends on Facebook need me.

So I thought about it. What do I need so much from Facebook?
Is it the FOMO feeling my kids talk about all the time? (FOMO = Fear Of Missing Out)
Or is it the feeling of wanting attention. People to know I'm there.

I've been working on that alot. Knowing I am here without having to get the feedback all the time.

Just needing to learn to fill up my own cup.

So I made the decision not to depend on Facebook. Stop checking.

Go back to email.

And even more important for me -- blog more.

So, hopefully, I'm back to writing again!

Being understood

One of the most difficult parts of communicating with people is making myself understood.

I know what I mean and I know how I feel.
And even sometimes I don't really know why I feel the way I do, but I still want to be understood.

Knowing that someone gets me.

I think I have spent most of my 45 years of life trying to be understood.
Just getting people around me to "get me."

Maybe I do to others, but I never quite felt like I fit 'the mold'. And I have never had a problem with that. Except that it's a very lonely feeling.

Understanding and accepting are two different things. One is lonelier than the other when it doesn't happen. Not sure which though.

It's really hard to live in a world where I feel like no one REALLY understands me.
But I do and I am.
And I just keep trying to make myself understood.

It's all in communication...

Juggling

Juggling everything and nothing, all at the same time.

Multi-tasking and getting things done that have to be done. But none of it seems important.

What does something have to be to be important?

I literally feel like I am on autopilot. Just keep going.
Doing what I have to do because it has to be done. No choice. Just keep moving. And doing.

Because what I really want to be doing won't mean anything. Won't be productive. Won't be an efficient use of my time.

So I juggle. I do this and I do that. And I take care of him and I take care of her.
Cuz that's what I do.
I take care of.

I'm just amazed that I do so much.
And I honestly wonder if anyone else has any clue what it is I do...?