Love it when the kids come over

MB was escorted home last night by two of her good (young men) friends. They came in, found their personalized cups in the cabinet, raided the pantry and never left!!

I love it.
Last night the two boys helped me bake cookies while MB checked her facebook, ate dinner and just sat there.

I am so thankful my children have great friends who like to come over and hang out.

It seems I intimidate some of NED's guy friends. Or is it Ari's gun? But for the most part, they seem to enjoy being here. And I love having them.

Just wish they would wash their cups before they leave!!! :)

**I have decorated plastic cups for those kids who come over all the time. I bought inexpensive hard plastic cups, took out my paint pens, and wrote their names with decoration on the cups. This way, we don't waste cheap plastic cups, and the kids feel a sense of belonging in our home. Every one is happy!!

ANother ELY ism

I was talking to ELY about one of the kids that were here for Shabbat last week. She asked how we knew her. I said, "From NCSY when we lived in Boston."
Ely responded, "What's an NCSY?!"

That's my Israeli Bnei Akiva girl speaking...

**For all my readers who do not know:
NCSY = National Conference of Synagogue Youth. The Youth organization that Ari and I grew up in, and Ari ran for 10 years in Boston.
Bnei Akiva = The international Zionist youth organization that ELY only knows about from living here.

Power Out

For two hours today.
No electricity.
What a concept.
Life is so simple without electricity.
Why do we chose to complicate our lives? Under the cloak of making it easier?

Except for knowing that my food was defrosting in the freezer - I was really hoping it would go on all night...

Maybe we should initiate a once a week power outage in the house? No electricity. And we have to make due. Figure it out. Live simply.

Just a thought.

An ELYism

As I was putting ELY to sleep in our bed last night:

ME: ELY, tonight is your last chance. If you snore tonight, you are going back in your own bed.

ELY: But No! Abba said I have to sleep on his side to keep it warm for him.

ME: Too bad! I need to sleep. And your snoring wakes me up!

ELY: So you can go sleep in my bed in my room....or go downstairs on the couch. It's not my fault that I snore! And besides, I promised Abba.

Gulp...

Now what?! :)

Things I already knew and Things I learned:

I already knew that I must have ELY pack her school bag the night before.
Even still, I learned that at 8:20 am, I am not the latest parent to drop their child off at school.

I already knew that the ultrasound that the physical therapist uses can help my foot pain.
I learned that rolling my foot over a tennis ball also helps.

I already knew that sometimes it can take over an hour to get to Jerusalem in the morning.
I learned that it can also take 35 minutes, with time to spare to call a friend before I start working.

I already knew that my client is so protected she can barely speak.
I learned that she is so protected that she self-edits/criticizes even before her words leave her mouth. And I learned that I have to use art more creatively with her.

I already knew it was hard to find parking in and around the Old City on Rosh Chodesh (the new moon/month).
I learned that it is enough to drive through the Old Ctiy, see the Kotel and drive over to the Tayelet and look out over the Old City instead.

I already knew I get migraines for no apparent reason.
I learned that a bottle of coke and a falafel can make it go away.

I already knew that when I trust in the process, art therapy can be very powerful
I learned that when I trust myself, I can run a great art therapy group, help some lost girls feel a little more connected and feel really good about it.

I already knew that Ely is a good student.
I learned that I can understand her teacher when she tells me so.

I already knew (cuz I learned it over the last 6 years) that one of the things about living on a yishuv in Israel during Chodesh Irgun means I have no control over what time my teenagers come home at night.
I learned that if I let NED have my trust, she still responds to her responsibilities and makes herself very proud.

I already knew that I don’t like it when Ari travels to the States.
I learned that all I really need are little reminders from him that he is thinking about me throughout the day, and he can stay as long as he needs.

Interesting day…. Certainly learned a lot!

Today

Saw the doctor

Tried to go to the Kotel, but couldn't find parking and didn't want to walk too far in the rain.

Drove to Talpiot mall. Met cousins. Bought some supplies.

Saw a client. Tried to help. Not so sure I was very helpful.

Went to therapy. cried.

Brought leftovers to MB.

Home.

Start over tomorrow.

Before I go to sleep

Something I am thinking about, but don't have figured out.

What purpose does "being in protection" (a UYO term) serve me?

I am aware it is happening. I put up the wall. I protect myself. But realistically from what?!

From what, except my own thoughts, do I have to protect myself from?

And with that... I leave you, for an attempt at a night's sleep with a head cold...

Another thing...

When I went to the physical therapist for my foot pain the other day, she very unconsciously rubbed the leg that was not hurting. It was a very nurturing soft rub, all of 10 seconds, that for some reason made me cry.

People don't do that for me.
I don't get pats on the back or unsolicited rubs just because.

It made me cry.
And it alarmed the PT. She thought she had hurt me!!

Wonder what that means?

What is wrong with me?

Why can't I get myself to write a new post?

It's been exactly 2 months since I posted last.

I have become the most self-critical, self-judged, self-editing blog writer I know.
A day doesn’t go by where I don’t think about what I want to write about that day.
And then I get home to the computer and it's not the right time or right feel or it just seems stupid.

I miss writing. I need to write

But I just haven't.

I want to try something: everyday for the next week, (including after Shabbat) I will write something. Even if it is one line of a thought I had that day. Let's see what happens. Lets see if I can actually do it.

Are my thoughts just all too intense and negative? And so I self-criticize and revise my words until they are no more.

Going to try anyhow…

Read on

Mondays

I have spent my morning cleaning off my desk.

I have tried to keep my Mondays for a day-at-home-to-catch-up day.

I have been semi-successful.
I would also like to make time to get down to my art room and clean it so I can do something creative for myself.

For now it has been my desk.

And preparing for my doctor's appointment tomorrow. My first thorough check up in many many years.
As I went through old records, I began to cry.
Can't tell you why, really?
Do you know why?
Just cried. When I read about aches and pains and broken bones. Why should that stuff make me cry?
Same stomach pains for years. Same foot pain on and off for years. Eye stuff. Weight stuff.

My favorite is the doctor who wrote that my stomach pain seems to be from stress of having 3 young children (pre-ELY). Great.

So tomorrow is a big day. Ari placed bets on how long I will be in the doctor's office before I start to cry. He knows me. I'm starting early...

Soulja Boy

When DB calls me, my phone rings Soulja Boy Crank Dat (Google it, if you have never heard the song). It's really a very inappropriate song in it's lyrics, but it's got a great beat and the title gets me. Except every time my phone rings to that song, I panic!
Tonight DB called at about 8:30 PM.
"Guess where I am Imma?"
I hate that question!
"In the hospital?" Why shouldn't that be my first guess?
"No Imma, I'm in the Ben Shemen forest down the road. My commander said you could come visit."

Drop everything and go. That's the life of an IDF mom!

DB didn't know exactly where he was. "Somewhere in the forest. Abba for sure knows where we are. He rides his bike here all the time."

We drove around in the dark with ELy crying "I'm scared" from the back seat. He didn't know where he was and we weren't sure where to find him.

We found him, and the rest of his unit. As we drove up, there was only one bright light lit by generator and a large fire. I could only see young men, most without their shirts on, with their guns strapped around them. In the fire were four "POYKE POTS." A Poyke pot is a huge rod iron pot with a lid that is put in the fire. In the pot is carrots onions potatoes, sweet potatoes and chicken. Add water. Add chili sauce and honey. Last 20 minutes add rice. Stew. Cholent.

I brought cookies, which the boys devoured!!

There we were in the woods, boys sleeping around us on mattresses n the middle of the forest, waiting for their stew to be done. In the middle of the forest, these young men - boys - soldiers. there to learn how to live.

I couldn't follow too much of the conversations -- frustrating.

DB was happy to see us and of course so were we. He told us about his week. Lots of all night hiking/ navigation.

Tired boys.

Surreal moments.

How I know when someone might not like me

It's a feeling.
A very strong feeling.
It's the way she looks at me.
It's the way she speaks to me.
Or tolerates my presence.

Maybe I intimidate her. Or threaten her.

It's the look. Or the exasperation.

The vibes are there.

From the beginning it's been like that.

I don't think I did anything. I try to be nice. Look her in the eye. Smile. Engage.

I was in the room for a few minutes before I said hello - I was talking to someone else. That seemed to upset her. I didn't acknowledge her right away. Maybe I should have?

Otherwise, it seems as if my mere existence makes her grumpy.

I upset her when I speak. Ask questions. She argues almost everything I say. Defensive.

Threaten? maybe? But why? How?

Do I really have to process it with her? What did I do?

Why can't she just like me?

Geesh!

The Good News, The Bad News and the Bad News in the Good News

That's how he said it to me when he called on Friday:

"Hi Imma! How are you Imma? I've got good news and bad news and bad news in the good news.

The good news, sort of, is that we were just told that we have the week off this week. The bad news is that I have to stay in for Shabbat because I got in trouble for falling asleep during guard duty.

The bad news in the good news is that I probably won't be home now for Rosh Hashana or Sukkot. Don't know for sure yet, but I doubt it.

So I'll be home on Saturday night and will probably go up north with the guys on Sunday and Monday. Tuesday we're going to have a BBQ, maybe at our house.

You and I can hang out on Wednesday and Thursday. K?"

Thanks DB.

Grandma says this is a good way for me to prepare to be a mother in law.

I have no say. I don't have a choice. I can have an opinion, but so what. You don't belong to me anymore. Someone else is your boss, they get to say when you come and go. And I have no more control over how much time you spend with me.

I can try to accept it, but I'm not going to like it for a very long time!

Reality? I'd prefer a little more fantasy right now...

Sigh