Monday, May 18, 2009

Something a little lighter...

Given my ridiculously intense post from yesterday, I thought I'd try something much lighter today--

Let's see, how about the weather?
IT'S HOT!!! Time to turn on the AC, but can't afford to!! Keeping fans running instead. This is when I wish we had a pool and not a beautiful garden that needs watering!! Malka went to the beach today - I should have gone with her.

But I need to be working. We need me to be working. I need me to be working. But don't know how to do it.

Wait, I said light....


Give me a lighter topic, and I'll try to write something light.
Everything seems heavy to me...

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Existential questions

Don't know if I have mentioned this in previous posts, but I have no problem saying it again.

At almost 43 years old, I feel myself going through what feels like what would be an existential crisis.

Big thoughtful questions
Deep concerns
Lots of unknowns

What is real? If we all create our own reality then how do we know what is really real?

How do I know what I know is real or true?

Is what is real for me, real for you?

I question really knowing something. What do I really know? Am I unsure about everything? Or can I say there are things that I ABSOLUTELY know.

These questions have brought me to a place of just living in the moment. Because only this moment is real. I don’t know what will be, have no control over it per se, and cannot change what has happened. So I can only live my best now.

Have I ever told you about my "monsters in the basement" philosophy?
I once saw a cartoon that showed a parent and a child having an argument about the child wanting to go down to the basement. The parent could see that there were monsters down in the basement and tried to warn the child of them. But the child wouldn’t listen or didn't believe and started toward the basement door. The parent yelled, "Don’t go down to the basement, there are monsters!!" But the kid does not listen, he goes down to the monsters in the basement, and the parent realizes that the kid has to face his own monsters.

One of the most difficult parts of my being a parent, friend, or therapist has been allowing the people I care about to face their own monsters. I have learned that all I can do is be there for them after they do face their monsters; to be there however that person needs me to be. But I can’t stop them – as much as I want to – from facing them.

I also used to ABSOLUTELY KNOW that there were really bad monsters down in that basement. I no longer know that for sure. I don’t know if the monsters are really that bad. And I have become better at accepting the fact that I can no longer control whether anyone goes down to confront their monsters.

Living in what I call “the fog of not knowing” is my new challenge. Accepting the not knowing. And being okay that I might not know. That is a challenge!

I have been, and for ever will be, a person who questions. It’s my blessing. Because I know that if I knew that I knew and got all the answers, I would still not be satisfied. I have thought about this. I think I would then rather be dead. It’s the questions and not knowing that keep me alive and growing and wondering.

I don’t know if this post was really meant for the public.
I do know, because people tell me, that they learn things about themselves from posts like this. So I will post it even if it is a little more personal than usual.

I need to write. My posting and knowing people are reading, validates my thought process. I am not ashamed and am actually quite proud that I am able to think, feel and express.

That’s enough for one post. Gotta get back to the moment of doing laundry, planning menus and living.

Thanks for listening….

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Living in calm

When I was a teenager, I lived for crisis.
Everything was a big deal, everything was a crisis, and if it wasn't, I made it into one.

Maybe I got older, maybe I matured, maybe life just calmed down...or maybe I now have daughters who pull out the drama of everything for me!

Whatever it is, life seems so much less dramatic for me. Maybe I'm just too tired to react. Maybe I can't be bothered?

Lots of maybes.

I watch my daughters. They are dramatic. Everything is a huge deal for them.

I let them carry the drama for me.

And so I feel more calm -- at least for now - until the next crisis!!!!

Thursday, May 07, 2009

I'm a Babysitter again!

It's been a long time since I've babysat for money!

Taking care of my neices and nephews and even adopted grandkids is not the same as taking care of a baby that I have no connection to, and get paidto watch.

Yesterday was day 1. Cute little boy - sweet smile , with a dimple.

One of the young marrieds on the yishuv sent out an email looking for a baby-sitter for her baby, her second child. I answered it.

I'm not working as much as I would like to. (Enough to write a separate post for!) and we need some extra money.

So I responded. I told her I was waiting to be a grandma, which wasn't going to happen anytime too soon. If she wanted to bring the little guy here, I would be happy to watch him.

So she came to interview me. And I guess she liked me more than the 21 year old girls who responded to her.

I have to admit, it's frustrating. I get paid in one hour with a client more than I did in 6 hours baby-sitting. That's just frustrating!

But I know what I'm doing with him, it's not so much a challenge, I'm helping out this young couple, and it's easy money...

So now I have a payed babysitting job

Woo hoo

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Stuff I've been thinking no particular order

Wanting to write more and realizing, just like journal writing, that I'm picky as to when, where and how I write. How to work around that?.......Stomach pain - should I keep ignoring it? What else is there to do about it? ........Work........Money..........NED
.............ELY.................Who's DB?..............Love...............What is real?...................What is right?.....................What do I know?
................Losing my mind..............Keeping busy..................Being a Grandma.............Caring.................Feeling

No excuses...lots of excuses

I don't write enough - that's the bottom line.

Almost daily I think about what I would write about.

But I don't.

I feel censored. I think no one cares anyhow.

Why bother?

What I really want to write about, someone will be offended or tell me it's inappropriate.

I don't write at all anymore and I need to write. Not here, not in a journal.

If I'm not making art, at least I'm writing. Or should be.

I will try again...