Be a Mentch!

I have spent my adult years working on myself to be more accepting, more understanding, and less judgemental. I grew up in a large family of strong opinions and unsuppressed criticism. Retraining my brain not to naturally be critical or judgmental is a daily, minute-by-minute struggle for me.

There is one behaviour though, (at least for the purpose of this writing) that I cannot accept. I MUST express my opinion and I cannot allow it to be ok in our world.

As a mental health professional who works in the world of appointment-making and keeping, I have spent many years skilfully working with my clients on their time keeping, showing up when they are supposed to, and informing me when they are going to be late, or not going to show up at all.

Unfortunately, I have spent countless hours waiting for people and wondering if they are going to call me or let me know they will be late, or even coming at all. I have gone so far as to create a policy contract that clients must sign when they begin to work with me, agreeing that they are responsible to arrive on time, to pay if they don't come for their session without notice, and, in general, making them aware that their presence matters.

I am sensitive to and thoughtfully diligent to communicate with whomever is waiting for me, if I know I will be late. I feel a deep respect for them and their time. And I certainly know how it feels to be disregarded. The business aspect of not showing up at all, or letting a customer know you are not coming or will be late, is just bad business, for sure.

I have tried very hard to raise my children (and husband) to be thoughtful and considerate humans. To be respectful of other people’s time and planning. To think outside of just themselves, and to realise that other people are involved in or with the planning of their lives. To let me know IF they will be home, or WHEN they expect to arrive home. In general, to communicate. I consider myself a reasonable person who expects basic common courtesy.

I am excruciatingly aware, that this is a personally difficult topic.

For me, it is connected to the basic human need of feeling seen. Being heard. Being respected. 

If you cannot communicate with me a basic Derech Eretz - a showing of respect - as a human being, then it’s hurtful. I get angry. But in reality, I am hurt. The anger is a reaction to the hurt. It is as if you are saying, “You don’t matter enough to me to communicate with.” And that feels personal. 

I would rather you communicate with me time after time, to tell me you are running late, or not able to come, because then we have something to speak about. Then I know I am worthy of your communication. And you are not just thinking about yourself. Not being able to or choosing not to communicate is a lousy excuse for thinking only about yourself.

When I try to tell myself that what you think of me doesn’t matter, I can’t in this case. In my opinion, you not respecting me leads to a global breakdown of the basic human needs in our world.  If no one spoke up and said, “The way you are treating me is not ok,” then there would be constant and overall chaos in communication and relationships in our world. 

If absolutely no one cared about or respected another person, their time, or their needs, then how could we continue to exist as a collective people? 

We don’t live on islands alone. We must learn how to live together, to communicate and to be in relationship with one another.

I am aware that I am choosing here to use my own inner pain and trigger to demand from others to be a mensch. To be considerate and thoughtful of others. I cannot just accept. I will express my opinion, and I will continue to expect you to see me, and to respect me, as long as I am still living in this world.