There are no words

No way to understand
to explain to anyone
to describe the experience

You see him with his gun, in his uniform. You all think he's a brave and strong soldier.

But to me, he is my sweet little boy.
The son i birthed,
The son I nursed until he crawled off my lap.
My first born, who taught me how to be a mommy
The little boy i read to and played games with.
The nervous child i taught to relax in his bed at night, to help him fall asleep.

That's my boy up there. I know him better than any of you.
None of you can take that away from me

But reality hits me hard.
He is not mine anymore.
G-d gave him to me, 21 years ago.
He will always be my little boy, but he is in G-d's hands now.

I cannot and will not be able to know what he is doing
I cannot and will not be able to connect to him in his life, knowing where he is

He has made a choice. To protect and defend my life.

As I watch him with the Israeli boys - MEN - Soldiers, I find...

there are no words...

Children

Why do we have them?

Listening to Eat Pray Love on CD, driving back and forth to work. Hear the story differently than when I read.

She asks herself, Liz Gilbert, the author, why she DOESN'T want to have kids. Her ex calls her selfish.

Makes me think as I'm driving.

Why did I have children? Did I even think about it? Was it even an option not to? And would I have more?

Don't read anything between any lines about me not wanting mine. That's not what I'm saying here.

I'm just thinking - without any answers yet - why? Why did I have them? Why did I want them?

Or is it as my BFF always tells me, "It just is!"

Ely needs help

5th grade tests and homework have begun

And I am helpless

Time to send in the troops!!!

More stuff to think about

Being honest

Being real
being a mirror

Being

Doing
Feeling

Being an adult
wanting to be a child

Being calm
Wanting to really scream and rant and rave

Being responsible
Wanting to not care

Being helpful
Wanting to be helped

Being selfish

Reaching out
reaching in

trying
giving up

doing, being, going, wanting, trying, having

Just stuff I think about....