Thursday, December 23, 2010

Remember when...

Daughters going through teenage angst.

I remember it well.

It was pretty horrible.
Didn't feel close enough to my parents to tell them then, so only took it out on them.

Daughters talk to me.
I try to help.
I wanna tell them to get grip and don't worry about it.
I know that's not what they want to hear. I know it won't help.

Boys are mean. They can be jerks.
Thankfully they don't see that in their father or brother.

I remember when boys were jerks!
Like it was yesterday.

Felt like I was never gonna have a boy friend. Like I was always going to be alone.
But I'm not. I'm lucky.

I hope they will be lucky!

They feel like "why me?"
I remember that.

They feel like it is never going to get better.
I remember that.

They feel so confused and mixed up in their emotions.
Boy, do I remember that!!

So hard to watch them go through it and not be able to make it all better for them NOW!

I wonder how my Mom felt.......

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Nostalgic for Christmas

Growing up in Frederick allowed me to experience a lot of different ways to celebrate a holiday season.
Chanukah came and went, and because I went to public school, Christmas was much more a part of my life.
I didn't wish to be different. I accepted who I was, and still enjoyed what was going on around me.
I loved the parties.
The red and green everywhere.
The music.
The smiles.
The creative shopping and wrapping.
The family time. The attention.

I was never forgotten. By Kathy or Carrie or Cathy or Lori. Or any of my friends. They all knew it was Chanukah for me, and included me anyhow. I'd find presents from Santa under their trees, or from my secret Santa.
When I was real little we would leave milk and cookies out for Santa, hung stockings on our fireplace mantel, and find presents waiting for us Christmas morning.

I feel richer. More aware. More full. more alive because of my experiences.

Thank you to all my friends who celebrated over the years. Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas.

Love you all!!

An Ely moment

Came home early for Ely today.
She wanted to go to a friend's house.
So we had a talk.
She needs to know I will be home for her when I can.
If she still wants to go to a friend's house, fine.
But then she cannot say she never sees me or i am never home for her.

That's our deal. She knows I want to be home when I can. And she gets to know and then chose when she wants to be home with me.

Letting go and growing up.
All in a typical parenting day...

Saturday, December 11, 2010


What is private?
What is not?

Why am I not afraid to put myself out there?

Is it for attention?

Why am I not afraid?

It doesn't bother me...

Tell me one thing I love about myself?

I'm out there.

That's me.

Being Outrageous

What would I do?
What could I do?

Sitting around waiting for life to happen to me is getting boring.
So I end up not doing anything.
not exercising
eating and eating
gaining weight
liking my body less and less. disconnecting more and more.

So what would I do?
What could I do?


Not sure.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Letting go...

Not so good at it.

Letting go of stuff.

of memories

of people.

of weight.

of control of people, places, and things.

of time.

of my kids.

of anger.

of expectations.

of disappointment.

of being able to let go...

Gift giving

I have a lot of strengths. I know that.

Giving creative gifts is not one of them.

I would say I'm a pretty creative person. I can do creative things. But when it comes to giving gifts - the creative ones are few and far between.

When the 3 big kids were younger, we decided that Chanukah was not going to be about us giving gifts to them. Ari and I decided that Chanukah was going to be about family time. Each night the kids got to chose a family activity. We went to the clay room and painted bowls or plates, we had a game night, a movie night, an out-to-eat night, and other fun stuff. When they were younger and we lived in Boston, they got gifts anyhow from grandparents, aunt and uncles and family friends. So we never really had to give gifts.

And to be honest, it got me off the hook. What to get each child plus Ari is always just so hard.

And now here we are, many years later, the big kids are much bigger and not wanting or able to be home so much, and Ely is left behind without much of a Chanukah fun time. I don't want to replace her family time with presents, but am feeling a little desperate for her.

So now we are 4 days into Chanukah and I am trying whatever I can to be a good enough Mom and make it a meaningful and fun holiday for her.

The whole gift giving thing is just so stressful...