Friday, March 27, 2009

Every week gets a little easier

Another week without hearing from DB. Getting easier to accept.

I know he is very busy and learning a ton.

I know he misses home and looks forward to being able to come home for Shabbat.

Don't expect him to come home this week - but will speak before Shabbat - hopefully.

I have come to terms with the FACT that he is no longer mine. He belongs to the IDF. I have no say whether he comes or goes, what he eats, when he sleeps, if he showers or when he changes his underwear.

I miss him, but am getting better at letting go...

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Why I don't like to go to sleep

If only I could get my brain to completely shut down.

Just not think, not feel.


I know my Dad is going to tell me to meditate.

So instead I just wait until I am totally exhausted. Or read. Or listen to a relaxation tape.

Sometimes I love being me when I think and feel so deeply all time, and really truly believe the world needs more people like me. But other times, like now, when I need to be asleep, I wish I wasn't like me.

I wish I had an on/off switch.

So I could just flick the switch and fall asleep quickly and easily and get a great night's sleep.

Off I go to try...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

ALot of things today

The girls came home from Poland. We met them at the Kotel (Western Wall) at 5 AM. Dumb Americans, we were there at 5 - of course they didn't arrive until 6:30!

They randomly tell stories. Just gotta stick around and let them ramble.

Glad they went - even happier they are home.

Thinking about life - and death.
What's the choice?
When is there a choice?
How do we choose?

I do and take care of what I can control. I avoid that which I cannot.
Clarity for myself. I understand my thoughts better now.

Weddings where I do not know most people. My need for seder - organization.

Go home.

Home -

Thinking about being selfish. Whats for me and what's for you?
How much has to be for you? Can I save some for me?

Being loved and loving. It's so much easier when it's mutual!

Learning to separate the person from the situation. I get frustrated when I'm trying to call and the person isn't answering. But it's not the person I'm frustrated with - there's always a good reason why - it's the situation.
My "need" plan isn't going as planned. I want the situation to be different.

Anxiety before sleep. Worried I won't be able to turn my head off.

Glass of wine before bed.

Still more...

Monday, March 23, 2009

I thought I might, but I really don't ....

..regret that last post!

Mostly because most people have said to me, "You have the guts to talk about the stuff I only think about."

I think alot. And I like that about me. Better than going through life not thinking at all.

My very dear friend validated me by commenting: You, in particular, feel things intensely, and have a long emotional memory, and that's OK.

I love my husband. We make a great team. We deeply care and try to understand each other more and more every day.

As I have done my entire life, I carry the emotion for our marriage. He loves me for that. That is what I do.

Emotions are real. And as the same very dear and wise friend also commented: Feeling something, and letting the feeling be and pass, does not threaten your marriage. Dwelling on it, or acting on it, would threaten your marriage.

Bottom line: I feel emotions, I know others do to - I choose to talk about them. Out loud.

Any questions or comments? Talk to me about them - I'm happy to listen...

Monday, March 16, 2009

I might regret this post...

But I have a naging question I need to write about in hopes of figuring out an answer for myself -
The question is this: After 20 years of marriage and four children, why do I still get that awkward funny feeling every time I see a guy I dated over 20 years ago?

I can think of a handful of guys I went out with before really deciding that Ari was the guy for me. Some of them I went out with for only one or two dates, others were more. But whenever I see these guys, because the Jewish world is a small one and paths cross, I can remember back to details of our dates, where we went, what we did, and even what we talked about.
And for a few of them there were even feelings of some sort. So especially those who live in Israel and I see more often, it gets pretty uncomforatble - still.

Why is that?

There are two in particular that I see, that I know we are both feeling it - AWKWARD!! It's too uncomfortable to really have a conversation, but it would be great to hear how they are. Our lives have moved on. They are all married, yet I remember...

OK, no answer, but a beginning to try to understand. Because I always need to understand

More Sarah Smile ponderings with no answers...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Lazy Rainy Pajama Sunday

That was my day today - didn't do much, though I tried.

Teri says I should be okay with that...
So then why aren't I?

Starting to plan for Passover..

Lazy Rainy Pajama Sunday, I should do it more often!

Back again with some thoughts

I've decided that, just like writing in a journal, it has to be the right writing environment for me to write on my blog. I like to sit on the couch, with the laptop on my lap - not at the desk computer - and be able to just write/type. It's harder when the kids are around and I get distracted. It's harder when I know there are other things I "should" be doing.

I want to be able to write - even a sentence or two - every day. And I do think about it every day - but I then think of all the reasons why I can't...

Excuses, excuses!!

MB and NED are leaving for Poland tomorrow - I need to write them a plane letter. They are very young to be experiencing such horrors - but it is how it is done here. We will support them.

ELY is really the baby of the family! And I treat her that way! NOT GOOD, I know!

DB called before Shabbat - Makes it very hard for me to go into Shabbat with a smile. I miss him. He sounds okay, but he wouldn't tell me if he wasn't.

This is all a new phase in my life. I am having a bit of an identity crisis.

Who am I if not a Mommy to my son?!

Try, try again, that's what I always say...

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Happy Birthday Mom!

It's fun to be born on March 1st. Depending on the year, you either have to wait another day in February, or your birthday comes a day sooner -

I appreciate every year my Mother has now - longevity is not to be taken for granted!

This past visit was short and sweet, just enough for me to enjoy and not too long for me to be done.

I appreciate how important a mother's role is in a child's life!
Ely came home from a sleepover early Friday night. She says it's because she missed me.

Put an arm around your child with one hand and push them away with the other - therein lies the balance.

Happy Birthday Mom! I love and appreciate you!

It’s been a while: Stuff I’ve been thinking about

Sorry I’ve been so out of it – I go through phases.
So now here I am and I hope there are still those around to read this. But even if not, I need to write.

Here is some stuff I’ve been thinking about in no particular order:

- Life and death. I’ve been thinking very existentially lately. The whys and how-comes. The what-ifs and so-whats. What’s real and what isn’t? Not many answers, but lots and lots of questions. And it consumes much of my daily thoughts, leaving me with a feeling of being a little out-of-it. I’m sure it’s just phase.
- Wondering what I would do if I was diagnosed with a terminal illness?
- Parenting. What difference does it make? What works and what doesn’t?
- Relationships (still) and the difference they make in my life.
- Marriage. Do I need a husband or a wife? What’s reality and what is fantasy? Are our needs really supposed to be met? Or are we just supposed to live life whatever happens?
- Thinking very passively lately.
- Need work (still). Although I got a job offer working PT as an art therapist in a new program for English Speaking girls with eating disorders. I’d like to build my practice more, but not really sure how?
- Exercise. What difference does it make? Do I really feel a difference?
- Ari’s job. When am I allowed to stop being the supportive wife and demand some time and attention?
- DB’s new army life – giving my parental control over to the Israeli army. Coming to terms with no longer having any say in what he does or how my son exists.
- Teenage girls – supporting them the way they need and NOT the way I need!
- Not wanting to make mistakes with ELY. Enjoying her while I can.
- Money (still) or the lack of. Haven’t bought myself something new in months!
- Needing to finish organizing my office in the basement.
- Not really wanting to deal with Shabbat guests all the time.
- How great it is to be on stage! I want to do more, but am limited by Jewish law to sing and dance in front of men.

I could go on – but you get the basic idea…

Hope I can write more. I really do!