Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Living in Denial

I live in a country where war is a possibility every moment of every day. And yet, I live as if it will never happen.

The siren wails to tell us to prepare ourselves "just-in-case".

I don't go anywhere.
I stop what I'm doing.
I start to shake. The tears come without my control.
I feel the reality of where I live.
I think, "Maybe I should really have a room prepared with water and flashlights and food."

But then I don't.

The news tells us, "in case of an actually emergency, a second siren will sound."

I wait for that second siren. It does not sound.

I go back to what I'm doing.

Where else in my life am I living in denial?!?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Critical Voice

Exploring that voice within myself.
After all these years, I never realized how much it was running and ruining my life.

Drew the voice today.
I was asked if I wanted to tear up the image I created.

I didn't.

On one hand I hate it.
On the other hand I don't want it to leave me.

Exploring that.
Why do I need that critical voice if it causes so much pain?

I don't like being a critical person.
I don't like what it does to me.
I don't like what it does to my relationships with other people.

but I'm not ready to get rid of it so quickly.


Friday, May 21, 2010

A day of feeling feelings...

Just couldn't get away from them. I woke up from an anxiety dream, and couldn't get away from intense feelings all day.
I wanted so much to just shake them off.
But they were there.
Making me tear.
Making me sad
And anxious
and irritable.
I called a friend - thanks friend!!

I cried.
I colored.
I expressed.
Then I just relaxed.
And the intensity lessened.
I can think about the feelings.
But I don't feel them as intensely.

Some days are easier than others...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

26 years since High School graduation

I remember it, in detail - mostly because I kept a diary, and took pictures. The details are all there - even the ones I want to forget!

I remember changing the date of graduation from the beginning. It was originally sceduled on the first night of Shavuot. A Jewish holiday. Matthew P. was the first one to see it on the school calendar, the first day of school. All the seniors sitting in the auditorium. Handed the calendars. Graduation was announced. Matthew said, "Sarah can't graduate. It's Shavuoth." I cried. Mom took me to meet with the principal. Then the superintendent of schools. We got graduation switched with Linganore. No Jews there.

When we practiced for graduation, I was put in the back. Next to...shoot! I forget his name.... I was second to last. He was last. I have a picture with him from after graduation. Shoot!
I left my cap and gown behind stage. I walked from my house on 2nd street. Missed the processional. Snuck in the back entrance. Put on my cap and gown. Took my seat - no one in the audience - except my family - ever knew. They drove over after the holiday was over. In time to see me have my name called and walk to the middle of the stage. I put my arms in the air and yelled, "I DID IT!!!!!" My mother was mortified.
Went home. Made havdalah, changed, and got picked up by Matt W in his truck!! I loved that truck! I think I loved Matt W then, too!

Drove up to Derrick M's house for the after party. A lot of details I remember, a lot I can't. A lot my diary remembers, a lot I can't write here...

It was a night to remember.
I am still so thankful to the friends I made and have kept.

26 years.
A lifetime ago.
Now I live on a yishuv in Israel with my husband and children.
Who would've thunk?!?!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Back to life..

Slowly and procrastinatingly surely, I am getting back to life.

Catching up on laundry, mail, dishes.

Need more time for my desk and bedroom dresser.

Still have to organize pictures from my trip. Still need to change over my bag and wallet from my trip.

Back to life - whether I am ready or not...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

No more Thumb

Ely announced tonight as I was putting her to bed, that she really wants to suck her thumb but she is not going to.
Just like that.
She says it's because BooBoo (ari's mom) told her she would make her a quilt if she stopped.
I want to tell her, it's okay. She can still suck her thumb if she wants to.
But she has stopped.
Just like that.
Another sign that my baby is no more.
How can I stop the clock?

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Want to appreciate

It's been a long time since I have had Shabbat guests that consist of the children of people that have made a real difference in my life.
In no specific order:
S. Katz - Both his father (who as a teenager I had a love/hate relationship with) and mother were very much a part of my religious growth and friendship
Y. Spigelman - Beside the fact that he is almost family (his Aunt is my sister-in-law), Y's parents have been my friends for many many years
B. Caplan - His father was my friend through some very difficult teenage years, and his mother was my college roommate until she married my friend
J. Sykes - His father was one of my very first NCSY advisors, he was always so kind and friendly
S. Lowenbraun - Too much to say about the meaning it brings to have my Rabbi and Rebbetzin's son in my home! Overwhelming emotion!
C. Finkelstein - the connection to Frederick, Shoresh and where I come from
And, of course
AZ Edelman - my nephew. My family. I miss family so much! Connection to my roots. In my home. At my table. A part of me. Here. Connecting all the boys together

I don't want to forget the other boys - the ones that I have only gotten to know - some more, some less - over the last year.
I am thankful that G-d has allowed Ari and I and our children to create a comfortable and inspiring home for these boys.

I just wish they knew how much they inspire me!

Sunday, May 02, 2010

It's raining in Bologna, Italy

Raining hard, so we are hanging out in our hotel room.
My feet are killing me anyhow - I am done walking around for a very long time!!!

We stopped here in Bologna, on the way back to Rome. Originally we were going to drive, but were convinced by the Italian man at the front desk of our hotel in Venice, that it was a bad idea.

We hopped a train to Bologna. Hanging out here for the night and then heading the rest of the way south to fly out of Rome late Monday night.

I'm done.
Done walking.
Done sightseeing.
Done looking for a kosher place to eat, or eating dried fruit and nuts or canned tuna and crackers.
Done packing and repacking.
Done shlepping my luggage (Now broken from bouncing down the steps in Venice) off and on trains.
I miss my family.
I miss my bed.
My shower.
My food.
My home.

Ready to get back to work.
Ready to focus on other people.
Ready to stop being so selfish.
Ready to be home.