Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Checking in from Florence, Italy

Today is Day 3 of a trip that just sort of happened.

I was invited.
I said no.
Ari said, "You're going!"
I'm here.

2 and a half days in Rome. ALOT of walking. Many sights.
Too many churches. For me.
Disgusted by the graffiti. everywhere.

Obsessed with doors and windows. Amazing art.

Trained to Florence.
Took a short night stroll around the city.
Can't wait to see it by daylight.

This trip reminds me of the time Ari "let" me spend several nights at a hotel in Maine, by myself, so I could write my thesis.
That was a gift from Ari. It was hard for me to be alone without feeling guilty.

Self-indulgence was something I was taught I am not supposed to enjoy. Not sure why. But it was very clear: work and responsibility are the priority.

Having fun, enjoy myself, not allowed. I exaggerate the message for myself, i know.

Very hard for me to fight it. Fight the counter message -- TO LIVE. TO ENJOY.


I am enjoying myself. I am thankful to Emily - and her Uncle! Still not sure why she asked me. And I don't know how I will ever be able to thank either of them properly.

Because this is not just a trip to Italy.

It is a trip back to myself....

Monday, April 19, 2010

Yom Hazikaron - Israeli Memorial Day

The day feels so heavy. So much more meaning to me having DB in the Israeli army.
It's real.
But then I think, he's not mine. G-d gave him to me. G-d is taking care of him and all his friends and all the men and women who are working to keep us safe and fight off the evil in the world.
And then I think, there is so much evil in the world.
So much sadness. So much real life. Death and birth. And loss. And wondering when will it all be over?
It's a hard one this year. As DB gets closer to his actual service. I wonder, what should I pray for?
Who am I to ask of G-d? It's been His plan since the day he allowed me to become pregnant with my little boy. And then He used me as His messenger to raise an honest, respectful, strong and kind man. DB will always be a part of me, but he is not mine.

That is how I feel.
It's an emotional day.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Don't wanna go to sleep.

'cuz then I have to wake up.

Just easier to sleep....

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

My morning appreciation list...

1. A husband who loves and respects me, publicly.
2. Having a close relationship with my TEENAGE daughters.
3. Friends who really know me, are thoughtful and fun.
4. Money to buy food.
5. The G-d given ability to make a difference in people's lives.

Thoughts going around and around...

Once again, it's been awhile. Still, the thoughts have been there. Going around and around, without allowing myself to write them down. Prepare yourself:

Being far away and wanting to be closer. Wishing I had the money to be closer whenever I want. Then thinking, life its too short. That's what the money is there for. Just spend it. When it runs out, then you really won't have any to spend and the excuse will be real. How do i balance living with not spending?

I haven't bought myself a new piece of clothing in 2 years, at least. No exaggeration. Why am I depriving myself?

The gray hairs. Where'd they come from? When did they grow. Suddenly they are there. Growing from my temples, where I always read they began. More and more everyday it seems. How can it be that I am getting gray? That I am getting old? Just how can that be?!?

Resigning from a job I believe in. When I believe in what I do and how I do it. How it works. How it helps. Being a part of something good. Something big. But not trusting. Not feeling safe. Not having the confidence is what makes me have to leave. That makes me sad. There is a feeling of mourning. Of loss. Losing or leaving something good in my life, that just has to end. it's a difficult decision. but it is the ethical one to make.

Family dynamics. Who is right? What difference does it make? WHat dynamics am I creating for my children?

Eating and eating and eating. Double chins, tight skirts, no exercise. Need to breathe. Need to move. Need to like myself. Losing that. Don't need to be told what to do. i know. Just need to do it. Why is it so hard?

Watching MB go through the freshman-like weight gain and not liking herself in pictures. I hear myself. It's so hard to hear. I remember, I feel it too.

Sitting next to DB in the back seat. Ari and his Dad in the front. Taking DB back to his base after the holiday. On our way to JM for work. I sit next to him. I want to hold his hand. I want to put my arm in his. I want to be close to him. I want to just touch his hand. But I can only try to start a conversation that ends after a few vague words from him. I want a way to be close to him. Like it used to be. Hold him on my lap. Snuggle up with my little boy... But he is a man now. No longer a boy. I see it, I feel it. I went into his room on Shabbat. He was sleeping without his shirt. There was a man in his bed. A man that resembled my little boy. It threw me off. I barely recognized him. I just stood in the doorway and stared....
Makes me sad. And proud. And thankful and blessed. And sad.

Ely is growing before my eyes. Watched a video of her from a couple years ago. So cute. Little and sweet. She is a young lady now. Gets herself dressed. Tells me my outfits don't match. Brushes her own her. Makes her own pony tails. She is rarely home. She has no playmates in the house. No siblings for her to play with. Her friends have become her siblings. I'm sorry. I feel bad. Wish I could have had another for her. I am happy she can go out and be with friends. She is a wonderful playmate. Her friends love her. And she is not my baby anymore.

So what does that mean for me. And for Ari? For both of us together. Grandma Rose warned me this would happen: "Someday your kids are going to leave you and you're gonna be left staring at your husband saying, 'Who the hell are you!?'"

Reading Nicholas Sparks "The Last Song." Cried. Couldn't put it down. Made me think. If I was given less than 12 months to live, what else would I want to do?

I want to travel. Only a few places I want to see: I want to visit Ireland. I want to see Denmark. New Zealand. And Figi. Maybe Alaska. I want to see a glacier.

I want to spend everyday, all day, creating things: painting, glueing, coloring, making. Without any other obligations, without feeling guilty that I'm not doing the laundry, or making dinner, or cleaning the house.

I wish my desk had an automatic organizer and cleaning button.

Need to find more clients. Need to run some groups. Blah blah blah. You've heard it all before. So have I.

I could go on...

Maybe another time.