Thursday, November 18, 2010

Feeling Misunderstood

Communication is what makes the world go around.
Without it we have chaos.

If you don't understand me when I give you directions, you could end up in some dangerous Arab village.
If I don't make myself clear when ordering from the butcher, i could end up with chicken on Thanksgiving instead of turkey.

Chaos. Confusion. Misunderstanding.

Feelings are complicated. So trying to make them understood or understanding them ourselves is even harder.

The worst feeling of isolation comes from not feeling understood. It's frustrating. It's demoralizing.

When we can't make ourselves understood, we have two choices.
We can give up, shut down, close ourselves off.
We can keep trying, until someone understands.

Because feeling understood, is the kindest, most freeing and exciting feeling. We connect when we understand each other.

We can love deeper
We can hold longer
We can be together with more realness.

Still not sure, though, which is harder: living with feeling misunderstood? Or not being able to understand another?

Either way, there lies a gigantic whole in the communication of the world when either of these happen.

I think so, at least. I feel so, too.

Do you understand what I mean?!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Follow up on Pain

So this morning, as I was walking the aisles of the grocery store, adding way more items to my cart than I had on my list (why does that always happen?!) I bumped into my neighbor and friend who's son will soon be entering the army in the same unit as DB. Another two weeks, to be exact.

I said to her with heartfelt empathy and comapssion, "I've been thinking so much about you. I remember this time, before my son went in." Knowing this was not her first son to enter the army, but it is her first son to enter an elite unit.

She answered me, not really looking at me, distracted by which bread to choose, "Oh thank you. I'm just not thinking about it. I can't." And walked away.

To which I called after her, "Well, I'm feeling it for you then."

She looked at me. Said thank you with a quizzical look on her face, and moved on. This conversation was clearly not going to happen. Either because she was in a rush and needed to focus on her shopping, or she didn't want to think, feel, deal with what her sweet-natured, kind 19 year old son was about to do.

And so therein was my test. Could I feel her anxiety and fear of the unknown, and still move on with my day without eating 6 candy bars?

How I wished she could allow herself to feel and still cope with her day.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Something about pain

When I walked out of a therapy session today, I thought of exactly what I wanted and needed to write about on my blog and what I would title it.

And then I got home.

Became Mommy, and forgot.

I know it was something about pain. Emotional pain. and mental pain. and psychological pain.

I have discovered that I can feel these pains. And although I don't always enjoy them, I don't mind feeling them. The deep intense feelings help me to feel human. To feel real.

I feel feelings. Painful feelings - I feel them.
And I am still alive to talk about it.

So many people do not.
So many people try to kill themselves over these emotions.
They deny them. They tell themselves that they should not.
They tell themselves to look on the bright side, get a grip, have perspective.
They tell themselves to think positive. Focus on the good. Let it go. Without giving enough time or space to the painful emotions to be felt.

They drink them away. They eat them away. They cut them away. They lie them away. They purge them away. They sex them away. They hide them away. They ignore them away.

So many ways. So much effort not to feel them.

If I could just teach people to feel them. Allow themselves to feel them.
Not to wallow. Not to climb into bed for days and cry to feel them.

But to give room for them. Draw them. Acknowledge them.

They can't just be pushed away for good. They need to be made room to be there.

Like a friend that's there for a reason. Not a bad friend. Just a friend who's there. Hangin' around. Saying 'hey, I'm here to let you know you are human.'

I can't keep others from being overwhelmed by their painful emotions. So I want to just take the feelings away from them altogether.
Everyone has their feelings. And I find my inability to help others to live with their pain very sad. Frustrating.

Society does not appreciate painful emotions. Does not know how to deal with them. Does not know how to live with intensely deep feeling people.

We sing, 'Don't worry, be happy.'

What if I could worry AND be happy?!

It's how I'm feeling today.
Tomorrow is another day...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Quiet time with the girls

So nice.
So needed.
Just me and my girls. Missing the boys, but...

Girl talk.
Holding hands.
Being with friends.

How did I get so lucky? So blessed?
Seems so natural.

When children get married young, is it because they need to escape their homes?
Is the opposite true? When they don;t date or get married young, is it because they can't leave their homes?

Thinking about that.

I feel blessed, meantime.
To have my girls around.
Who love to be with me. And me with them...

Friday, November 12, 2010

DB's not coming home

He said he would be, but he's not.

I'm disappointed.

But I can't tell him that. It's not his fault.

Deal with it.

And enjoy the girls!!

Amy's getting married tonight

And I'm not there.
Ari is.
But I'm not.

Trying not to think about it.
Reality sucks sometimes!

Mazal Tov!

It's been a long time...AGAIN!!

over a month to be exact.
I wonder if anyone even stops by here anymore.

I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. Hasn't been anything new in such a long time. But then again, you wouldn't see this if you didn't...

Decided it was time. To at least check in.
not sure how much profoundness I've got right now to write.

But I can let you know I am here. Still breathing, thinking, feeling, being.

And appreciating:
1. My neighbor for burning me a disc of the movie EAT PRAY LOVE.
2. My friends for watching after Ely this week.
3. NED for coming home Monday night because she knew how much Ely would appreciate it.
4. Ely for being so responsible about coming and going at age 10 - almost 11.
5. My friend and colleague for giving me her time and such great guidance.

So there you have it. Prof that I have been living. Just avoiding writing.
I really wish I understood why I don't write more. I really love to write!