Thursday, February 05, 2009

I don't like not getting my way

As I get older I am learning about myself that I am less flexible.

I need things to go the way I expect them to. And when they don't I have a very strong reaction.

It's almost immature.

I need to work on that!

DB called!!

I am a little put out by the comment from LTC - whomever that is - on my post "no call = more worry"

I am fully aware of everything the army is preparing him to do and I am very very proud of him!!

But I also know from many friends who have had sons and husbands in the army that family is still very important in the army - especially mothers.
Several people have told me not to allow him not to call i.e give him permission not to call, because the boys/men need to call home. They need to touch base with home. They need to hear their mother's and father's encouraging voices.

So, knowing that, on top of the fact that DB was in the hopstial with a life-threatening illness only four weeks ago, makes me wonder and worry how he is feeling.

I trust he would call if something was not ok, but I do not like NOT hearing from him.

10 minutes ago he called.

"Hi Imma, I love you, I can't talk - I gotta go, I love you. I don't know yet if I'll be home for Shabbat. I gotta go I love you."

I asked how is he feeling. I think he said he was feeling fine.

I heard his voice. I know he is alive. I will wait to hear from him again.

And I will continue to pine away for his call, because that is what mothers do. He is not a baby, but he is my son - my only son and I love him. I worry and I care.

Thank G-d he is better and back to training.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Something I've been thinking about

Think about this question before you answer too quickly. I mean pay attention to your first quick thought answer and then think harder about it...

How would you answer this question:

Does one love another out of a feeling of love or out of obligation or responsibility? Like it's what you are supposed to do.

Why am I thinking about this? That bothers me too.

What does it mean to love someone?

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

No call = more worry

Second night without a phone call from Dov.

He is out in the "shetach" - not on base.

Maybe he doesn't have his phone, his phone battery died, he's not allowed to call.

The kid was in the hospital with a life threatening illness for G-d's sakes - don't ya think his commanders would have a little mercy on the mother?! Or he would?

I'm sure he is going to have a good explanantion and will apologize so I can't be mad at him.

But I don't like not hearing anything.

Makes my stomach tightening and my breathing shorter.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Mixed Emotions

On one hand I am relieved that DB is feeling better and strong enough to go back to the army base - on the other hand, I wish he didn't have to go.

MB told me last night not to whine about it out loud in front of Ely, because it gives Ely anxiety. Who's the parent here?!?

It's really hard to be strong when I really don't feel it. The best part about being in the hospital with DB all day for two weeks was that he was there right next to me with no where to go.

I love my boy, what else can I say? It's really hard to let go!

And now it's back to waiting for the phone to ring at night for him to say he is okay and good night...