Thinking too much

Shavuah Tov!
I just arrived home from being with my brother and sister-in-law in their new apartment in Neve Yaakov (a suburb of Jerusalem). When Ari is away I don't like to hang around here for Shabbat. It takes my mind off of him not being here, and I get to see my bro and his family more. Dovie had to stay in yeshiva for Shabbat, and my big girls decided they wanted to stay on the yishuv with friends. So it was just Ely and me - I was lonely for my family.

And had way too much time to think.

For financial reasons my bro has had to down grade in size from a very large 5 bedroom house/apt. to a much smaller 3 bedroom apartment. Their new eastward view of the Dead Sea is spectacular and frankly I'm a little jealous.
One of the reasons I made aliyah was because I wanted to simplify my life. I wanted to live with less and be satisfied with that. I wanted to make work whatever had to work in a small amount of space, i.e. having guests over. Being in my brother's apt this Shabbat got me thinking about how we have NOT done that, nor have we put ourselves in a community that has that philosophy! And that got me thinking, yet another reason I don't think this is the community for me.

Then, I made the huge mistake of starting to read over Shabbat, Sherri Mandell's book about the death of her son, Koby. A 13 year-old-boy who skipped school to go hiking with a friend and were brutally stoned to death in a cave not far from their homes in the Judean desert. An otherwise deeply meaningful book, but totally inappropriate to read on Shabbat - a day of rest and joy. I was bawling and realized I better put the book away until later.

But, of course, the book had already gotten me thinking. Thinking about what is important in life. Why we cry over death? What is loss? How life works? How can I appreciate my family more? How do I accept responsibility for what I have? What am I supposed to be doing in life? What does G-d expect from me? And so on...

All that thinking put me in a sad mood. On the verge of tears. Crying.

And then I reprimand myself, "What do I have to be sad about?!" Today is September 11th, I have a husband who loves me, 4 beautiful, healthy children (BIH), friends who, I think, appreciate my friendship, a roof over my head, food to eat...What the hell's my problem?!

How do I appreciate life and yet not sweat the small stuff?

Feelin' the weight of the world on my shoulders and a huge lump in my throat. Think I'm gonna sleep tonight? I'm sure not gonna read that book to try to fall asleep!

Intense...
My middle name!

Maybe it's the time of year.