I need to write…

But it’s hard to know about what.

I haven’t written in my journal in months. There is so much going on that I can’t even begin to put it down into words. I love my writing space, except for when I’m feeling stuck in my writing.

Just write…

Went out with Brother Matt tonight. We have been planning a “date” night for months and just haven’t gotten together. I had so much I wanted to say to him and hear from him. Since we started talking about getting together, so much has happened in both our lives.

I wanted to tell him how hard it was to spend time with him and that it wasn’t entirely his fault. I wanted to tell him that I wished we could be closer. I wanted to tell him that I felt inferior when I was around him. I wanted to tell him that I was embarrassed of my lifestyle around him. I wanted to tell him I felt judged and not unconditionally accepted by him. I felt disconnected as his sibling and I didn’t like it.

Thank G-d, I feel very close with my two older brothers. Little brother Matt left home to live in a dormitory when he was 13 and I was 15. Since then, we haven’t lived under the same roof for more than a few days at a time. He has lived here in Israel for almost 15 years. He has 7 children and is very involved in his Torah life in the yeshiva and in his community. I am very proud of him. I don’t really blame him for not feeling so connected to family. He learned not to need it.

And now he is considering taking a job in another country. Moving away from family again. And it’s not so hard for him. For his kids, yes. But for him, not so hard.

We talked lovingly and openly.

He’s very easy going. He listens, but doesn’t argue back.

I’m very lucky. I have three wonderful brothers who love and care about me.

I know my big brothers except me unconditionally. I’m not sure Brother Matt does. I told him how I felt, he didn’t disagree.

Parts of this makes me sad.

Why do I feel so sad about not feeling accepted by my little brother?

That’s my rambling for tonight.