Just See ME

Just See Me

February 2011

The following fictitious letter is based on a collection of words, wishes and cries of many of my clients over the past 15 years. Their ages ranged from 4 - 16.


Dear Mommy and Abba,

My request to you is simple:
Please, just see me. See me for who I am. See me for who I want to be. See me for who I am trying to be.

I really want to make you happy and proud of me.
I don’t like it when you get mad at me; or when you yell, even if I know I did something I wasn’t supposed to do.

I don’t always want to be like you. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I get confused.

Sometimes I’m shy. And sometimes I don’t know what to say. Adults want me to talk all the time. They want me to be like them. But I’m not. I don't have so much to say all the time. And when I do – I’ll say it. Just give me the space to say it when I’m ready. I need space to speak when I want, not when you want me to.

In school I don’t always understand what the teacher is saying. I don’t always want to be the one to answer. And when I understand, the teacher doesn't let me make a mistake. She makes me feel bad when I make a mistake. You don’t always like it when I make mistakes, either. You make mistakes.

You get tired and grumpy sometimes. Sometimes you’re in a bad mood, too.
Why do I always have to be in a good mood, just because you want me to? I think it’s more like you NEED me to. You can’t handle it when I’m not in a good mood? Why do I always have to be smiling? Why do I always have to greet you with a smile when I come in the door? What if I had a hard day? Why can’t you just see that?

I need space to be in a bad mood. Give me the space, and I’ll snap out of it. And if I don’t, then I’ll need your help.

I’m different. I’m not like the other kids. I’m shorter or taller or slower or more emotional. I like different things, and I look different. So you can’t treat me like the other kids. I might need more of your patience, or more of your understanding. I might need you to be more creative with me.

I know I usually fight them, but I need rules. I need limits. And when I push them, hold on tight. Don’t give in to me so fast. I need you to say NO to me sometimes, even if I get angry at you. I need it. I might not like it, but I need it. And I need you to be consistent. I know it’s easier to give in sometimes. You’re tired. I wear you down. But it’s confusing when I don’t know what to expect. And then I know I can take advantage of you.

I need to make my own mistakes. You can’t protect me from all harm. I need you to teach me to use common sense. To think about choices and consequences. To think about what would happen if... And then, I need to face my own monsters. I know you want to protect me from them - from falling off my bike, or someone saying means things to me, or my seeing something scary or inappropriate. And I appreciate that. I know you love me. But how will I ever learn, if I don’t learn how to get from here to there by myself. Let me learn. Let me make my own mistakes. I need you to help me learn from my mistakes. Not blame me or say I told you so. Just be there when I make that mistake.

I know it’s hard to raise kids. But you know what? It’s hard to raise parents too!!

Love,
Me