Parenting blues

I wish I knew that no matter what decision I made in dealing with my kids, that it wouldn't backfire and it would always turn out to be the right decision in the end. (And that I had backup support! But that's not for here or now!)

I had an experience with MB (13 years old) tonite that has me still trying to figure out what happened.

There is a culture here in Israel of kids inviting their own friends to a distant family members simcha (joyous occasion). MB announced to me at the beginning of the week that she was going to her friends' cousins' Bar Mitzvah. At which time I just looked at her and did not respond. MB has a way of constantly talking and telling me things she is going to do and how she is going to do them. Girls....they talk and talk and talk!!

This morning she again TOLD me that she was going. At which I told her she wasn't.
As usual with her, she kept at it. I told her I wasn't going to discuss it with her and sent her off to school.

After school: Again, begging me to let her go. So I decided to ask details. She was invited by her friend to go to her friend's cousin's Bar Mitzvah. MB did not know the Bar Mitzvah boy, but was invited to go for dessert.

Again, my answer was: You are not going.

Now, before some of you start getting upset with me and questioning my parenting decisions, let me explain my side and then I'll finish the story to the end....

The amount of coed socializing that goes on here makes me uncomfortable. I came to Israel to live a certain lifestyle. It did not make sense for Malka to attend a Bar Mitzvah of someone she did not know when her entire Bnei Akiva shevet (group) would be there (mostly boys) and I knew she wasn't going to be just giggling in the corner with her girl friends! I did not question my decision once. Even though Ari felt, "What's the big deal", I felt that one "no big deal" leads to lots more "big deals."

Back to MB.

She went to her art chug very upset with my decision for her.
When she came back she decided that if she washed all the dishes, folded the clean sheets, and helped with whatever I needed she should be able to go..."because she wants to."

MB, like most teens, does not like being told 'No" when she has her heart set on YES! She lost it. Began to cry uncontrollably and would not let up. (Ari had gone to sleep with Ely so I was on my own!) When I needed to leave the house to get milk for breakfast in the morning, she called me on my cell phone hysterically crying. I was being mean and she didn't understand.

I knew she wasn't going to understand.

She went to her room and slammed her door...aaahhh, teenagers!....Screaming in her room, I could hear her calling her friends on the cell phone. She came back out of her room and tried again. I told her that if she didn't stop she would lose the privilige to go out on Friday night.

At this point for me it becomes a power control thing. If I give in now, she will think that all she has to do is not let up and she will get whatever she wants. It's a horrible power struggle that I have been battling with her since she was 2!!

Then, suddenly, the tears became about how she wanted to go say goodbye to her good friend who was leaving for America. She would be gone for 10 days or so, but MB had to go say goodbye to her. To prove that I don't always say "no", even though I thought it was ridiculous, I told MB that I would take her to her friend's house so she could say goodbye and then I would bring her home. (There have been some safety issues on the yishuv this week, forbidding girls to walk alone at night.)
In her hiccuping tears, I got back in the car and drove her up the street.

Her friends, I'm sure, think I am the meanest mom on the block! ("Mirror Mirror on the wall I've become my mother after all!")

MB slammed the door as she got out of the car, and slammed every other door up to her bedroom. She got ready for bed and several minutes later came out of her room and said calmly, "Can you please come up to me when you can."

So I did. And what do you think she said to me? Ready for this?

"I'm sorry if I was disrespectful to you. I just really wanted to go to the Bar Mitzvah. I still don't understand why I couldn't."

At which I responded, "You're not always going to understand or like my decisions, but you have to trust that I make the decisions I do because I love you. I can respect that you want to argue your point, and I'm glad that you do, but you also have to respect my decision when I say, NO"

She smiled, kissed me good night and asked me to turn off the lights as I left her room - completely calmed.

UGH!!!

What??? Do I know what I'm doing? Am I making decisions based on biases? Fears? Values? Are they the right decisions? I don't know! Where's the gosh-darn direction manual for these kids?!?!?

Am I a good enough parent? I try to be. I think I am. I try to be fair. Ari thinks I say "NO" too quickly. I think I say "YES" too often!

Know what? All I want to do right now is EAT CHOCOLATE...

I'm going to go in and kiss my children while they sleep and go to sleep myself!

Parenting blues.
This won't be the last of them.

Good night :)