The anxiety builds...

I don't think I have written here, yet, about my plans to go to the States.

About a month ago I decided I needed a break! I had been here a year, and was feeling the pull to visit my elderly grandparents. I had been taking care of everyone else, and needed some taking care of myself. I have felt myself slowly falling apart, emotionally and physically. In short, I needed my mommy!!

The only good thing about Ari's traveling is that I get frequent flyer miles out of it! (And, of course, my monthly supply of Hellmann's mayonnaise, Duncan Hines, etc.) We decided to take some of the miles and get me a ticket. So we looked at the calendar and found next week to be the best time to go. No particular occasion really, just BECAUSE!

Knowing I was going to the States gave me something to look forward to throughout the Chagim. But now, as the day of my departure gets closer, I have begun to feel myself become more and more anxious?

The anxiety, I think, is about not knowing what to expect and my fear of expectations from others. I remember this feeling about 18 years ago, when I was ready to return to the states after studying in seminary for almost a year. Ari says that this time, though, I know I'll be coming home - I'll be coming back.

I had another "Israel moment" today while shopping in Rami Levy (the local supermarket). As I walked the aisles and read the labels, I thought, "I'm reading hebrew labels in a grocery store in Israel. In another couple of days, I will be in Maryland, walking through the stores, feeling completely familiar with my surroundings. Being able to read everything!" Shopping is unfamiliar here, frustrating at times, but I live here! I live in my Jewish country.

Then I start to think: How am I going to feel when I get to America? Will I want to come back? Will the familiarity of my surroundings pull me in?

That's the anxiety.

And then I think, "I've gained so much weight this past year, how can I face everyone?"

More anxiety.

Flying, in general, gives me anxiety, but when I fly without my kids, I just take a Dramamine and sleep (although I don't think I will need any help sleeping!!)

Leaving my family, my kids? Not much anxiety there. They're in good hands with their father. He'll figure out what to feed them and how to wash their clothes. Either that or I'll be getting alot of calls at my parent's house asking where to find everything.

I leave Sunday morning. I spend a night and morning seeing some friends in NYC and then I train it to Bmore. Time just for me. I've never done this before. So much time away from my children. I wonder if I'll be running home?!

Tomorrow I prepare for Shabbat. Shabbat I (try to) relax. Saturday night I pack. I'll try to write again before I leave. If not, I'll have to fight my Dad for computer time!

I realize that I'm all over the place here...

Think I'm a little anxious?

Better to just go to sleep!

Good night :)