When my babies get sick

Ely has a cold again. (Ely is my almost-5-year-old.)

When she was a baby, before she even turned one, Ari and I had been to the ER with her over four times. She had high fever, lethargy, and sometimes vomiting. We'd take her in, wait for hours, she'd be poked and pushed, x-rayed and catheterized. Each time it was only a virus, not a bacterial infection (which we would be thankful for!).
Each time, though, I would become paralyzed, unable to move, waiting for the next cough or vomit. Holding her in my arms, wanting her to be better.

When she was about a year, we had her blood tested. My mother-in-law had been diagnosed with a rare immune deficiency, and suggested we have Ely checked out as well. My pediatrician agreed and we began what became a monthly trip to Children's hospital for bloodwork and exam from a immune-allergy specialist.

Diagnosis: Transient Gamma-globulin Immune deficiency. Lots of big words for a little girl. Basically, she was highly susceptible to viruses around her, but would hopefully, eventually outgrow it.

Treatment: not too much. Make her wash her hands a lot. Keeping her home from playgroup or the park wasn't an option. The doctor suggested antibiotics as a proactive treatment, but I wasn't into it. I chose, instead, the wait and see game.

And so, I spent the next couple years, recognizing the symptoms as she would get sicker, but now knowing when she was sick enough to have to take her to the ER. Thankfully we have only had to take her to TEREM (urgent care) here once for an ear infection.

When we made aliyah, we found the name of a specialist. I took Ely for the routine bloodwork, which had learned to become very brave for, and saw the doctor the following week. According to him, her transient disorder has left. And I must admit that she (poo-poo-poo) has not gotten sick as often over the last year or so.

It always feels, though, that she gets sick when Ari is away.

Last Shabbat there was a little girl playing here from her gan that was coughing - the same cough Ely has now. I'm sure her exposure in gan to all the sneezing and coughing kids has led us to where we are today.

Even with her one-a-day vitamins and chewable vitamin C, she's coughing.

She hasn't stopped. Even in her sleep she's coughing.

I wish I could help her. I gave her some cough medicine, but it doesn't seem to really help. She's in Ari's bed, which means I don't know how much I'll be sleeping tonight.

I hate when my babies get sick. I become paralyzed waiting for them to get worse.
I feel so helpless. I only want them to feel better. I feel guilty that I should have been able to protect them. I feel selfish, not wanting to have to change my plans for them to stay home from school.

When my babies get sick, I become the Mommy.