On Turning 33 - Being a Gift

This birthday year for my son feels very different for me. 

Because it is.

When DB was born 33 years ago, I was a very young mother. He was my first. All parenting experiments were played out on him.

Then he grew up. We moved him to Israel, and he grew up.

He was in the Israeli army for 4.8 years.

My mom always reminded me that having a son in the army was practice for being a mother-in-law: 

I can have an opinion, but no one cares. 

He does not answer to me. 

And I can ask when he is coming home, but I will most probably not get an answer.

The army was great practice for when he traveled post-army in Central and South America for 12 months. 

I could have an opinion about what he was doing or where he was going, but it didn't matter. 

He was totally independent so he didn't have to answer to anyone. 

And I never knew when the next time I was going to hear from him.

It was a constant conversation: Be in touch. Send an SOL (sign of life)

He didn't want to. Only when he had a wifi connection. Or only when he wanted to.

That year I decided that I no longer believed in the saying: No news is good news. I didn't want to wait to hear from him when there was only bad news. Send an SOL. 

Each time I heard from him, I realized how I had been holding my breath and suddenly could breathe again.

Still, it was a constant challenge for me to keep my worry and curiosity in check.

That year, I learned that worrying was a waste of energy. 

I understood and internalized the concept that my son was a gift to me, to us, to our family, and to the world.

He didn’t belong to me. He was a gift. G-d gave him to me as a gift.

And for me to think that I had any control over what he did, or to worry about where he was or what he was doing, was a waste of energy.

He didn’t belong to me. He was a gift

I had to keep the nagging reminder going in my head that he was an adult, and I trusted that he loved us and knew how I felt about being in touch.

This past October, my son got married.

He found the woman he wanted to share his life with.

Even more true, I was now the mother-in-law, and all the lessons I learned while he was in the army and traveling for a year became much more real.

Now, I tiptoe around having an opinion, but it doesn't really matter.

He no longer answers to me, because his wife is ultimately the only one he has to answer to. 

It is no longer any of my business where he is or what he is doing. That is between him and his wife.

Today is my son's 33rd birthday. On August 14, 1989, I became a Mother.

The day I birthed him as a gift into this world.

He made me a Momma and filled my heart with constant love.

This year my son and his wife are on a road trip in Stan, my Grand-van.

They have been driving across the United States. 

He sent a message last week that he was going on a 7-day solo hiking trip in Denali National Park in Alaska. 

A dream, he wrote, and something he has always wanted to do.

His wife would be doing her own thing while waiting for him to return.

He wanted to be alone and not be found.

So today is another day for me to remind myself of all the lessons I have learned about having a son in the army, traveling for a year, and now being married.

There is no purpose in worrying. 

Instead, I am sending out a prayer for his safety with lots of love, and the hope that he is having an adventure of a lifetime!

I can hope for his safe return and realistically know that if anything bad does happen, I will know what to do. 

Worrying does not help.

This is part of the message I sent him today, hoping that he will see and read it eventually:

Wherever you are in the world, I want you to remember that my life changed for the ultimate good when you were born! You carry with you a load of love from me every moment of every day. Even if you want to hide, and not be found, that love is there!

Thank you for being born so I could learn how to love even when I don’t know where you are or what you are doing. 

I hope you are enjoying your birthday adventure and may this 33rd year bring many more exciting adventures to enhance your already amazing life!

And then I remind myself that my son does not belong to me and he is a blessed gift.

Happy Birthday, Dovie. Thanks for being born! I love you