Week 3: For-Real Friday

This week was a challenge to find something I was willing to write about that was real and authentic. This specific exercise has made me more conscious of my boundaries and what I am willing to share on social media. Although, I find that I usually have no problem sharing most things about my own life, when other people are involved, I know I need to respect them, their privacy, and their story.

This week I had several challenging situations with other people in my life but it is not my place to share those challenges without their permission.

I can think of one frustration from my week that borders on involving others, yet is not their fault and is a clear example of needing to take responsibility for my choices.

In 2020, when we decided to sell our house and move to the beach, we started our search for apartments. We only looked for places that had 4 bedrooms. 1 - Master bedroom, 2 - Ari’s office, 3 - Elysheva’s room, and 4 - a guest room.

Not until the very end of the packing process, when I was going through my home office, did I realize that we hadn’t thought of having a 5th room as an office for myself, with a place where I could sit with my computer to take care of the bills and communications, make doctor appointments online, or have private zoom meetings.

When I started packing my art room, I also realized I had not even considered a place where I would be able to create my own art or store my supplies. 

With all the other decisions about remodeling the apartment and which pieces of furniture we would keep or give away, it was decided, although I don’t recall how or by whom, that my home office would also be the guest room. The decision was made, and the possibility of finding an apartment with 5 bedrooms for an office and creative space was not thought of again.

In February 2020, we bought our impressive 135 square meters (approximately 1453 sq. ft) apartment with 4 small bedrooms, a large living room/dining room area and kitchen, and a small balcony with a perfect view of the beach.

 

For the most part, I absolutely love living in a small apartment. There’s less to take care of and everything is where I need it to be.

It is only the times when we have sleep-over guests that the reality of the decision to combine my home office with the guest room becomes the most challenging for me. When Elysheva is home and her room is not available to guests, my office becomes the guest room.

This week, I became frustrated with myself remembering that when we were looking for apartments, I did not think about myself or what I would want for my own space. I was concerned for Ari’s space, our bedroom space, Elysheva’s space, and my kitchen space, but not my own personal space. I didn’t even think about it. I never considered what I would want.

I know that sacrificing our needs and wants for others is something that many women struggle with. Most of us don’t know how to live any differently. Either this behavior is how our mothers lived and modeled, or society tells us. I admit that until now, I did not know any other way of living either.

This week I was reminded of this decision all over again. I have watched Elysheva go into her room and shut the door, while Ari sits at his desk working, also shutting the door when he needs to. For our sleep-over guests (whom I love dearly!!) my office is now their tight-fitting space with an opened trundle bed for two people to sleep and a small closet for their clothes.

I have nowhere to go for my personal space. For the time being, I have no room to go into to shut the door.

Of course, it’s not their fault. I am happy to have them here. 

All of this just reminds me of the disregard for my own needs. If I want or need something, I have to ask for it. I did not value that then. It honestly did not even occur to me to ask. Instead, I have spent this week trying not to react with anger at myself and accepting responsibility for my choices.

That’s about it for this week.

1. Knowing what I need and asking for it.
2. Taking responsibility for my choices.
3. Appreciating what I have.

At the same time, still leaving space for feeling the frustration of not doing these things.