Judging

My friend, Tobi, wrote that she is tired of being judged by people all the time.

I responded that I am tired of judging people all the time.

It's not something I want to do.
It's not something I try to do.
It's not even something I always consciously KNOW I am doing.

It's just something I do - all the time!!

There is a constant nagging feeling within me that nothing I or anyone else does is good enough. There is always something wrong. There is always criticalness and judgement happening.

I know it. I realize it. I hear it. And I hate it!

I'm exhausted.
I wish there was a button that I could just turn it off.

It's not something I'm proud of.
I'm ashamed, even.

And I'm honest...

Living on the beach

I have decided that I will live-somehow-on the beach one day.
Don't think my husband will be living with me, but Ok. I will be...

I have to.
I want to.
I need to!!

The beach.

Just replenishes my soul.
Makes me happy.
Fulfilled.

Not being enough

When do we know that we are enough?

When I've cooked enough?
When I've smiled enough?
When I've felt enough?
When I've talked enough?
When I've done enough?

Who knows?

I live with the constant feeling like it is never enough. I am never enough.

What I do is never enough. I should be doing more. I should know more. Understand more.

So as I go into my Sukkot vacation mode, I'm gonna think about being enough. And how I know...?

Because G-d forbid, I should just BE...

Vent alert!

Why does it feel like I am responsible for EVERYTHING?!?!

I have to do it all, take care of it all, be in charge of it all.

I don't want to anymore!

Someone take care of me!!

Vent over...

It's been awhile

I know.
I know.

Whatever...

So I'm writing now.

Don't know if anyone even checks in here anymore, so it makes it easier for me to just write, not knowing if anyone is even listening. Puts my critics away for a bit.

So here is a list of the things I want to write about, in no real order:

- letting go of guilt. Letting go of the shoulds. The being able to's. The "I used to be able to..." Feeling good enough. Important enough. Special enough. Heard. Seen. Witnessed. Approved of. Just good enough.

- making time for creativity. Excuses. Justifications. Self indulgence. Allowed. Not allowed. Needing. Wanting. Excuses. Expressing myself.

- Not wanting to have to watch what I say all the time. Having to be careful of people's feelings. How to say it? When to say it? It's so exhausting. Why can't I just say it?

- the feeling that the world can't handle me. Not in a pompous way. But in an "I'm too powerful, and the world does not/would not know what to do with me. I don't know what to do with me. I feel like I have so much inside that could just explode. Like I am hiding from the world.

- I want to recapture the feeling. I want to remember the feeling of the night I left my dorm room at Touro in jeans, and did cartwheels down
Broadway. What was that like? What happened to that girl?

- here's a tough one: how has religion stifled me? Or is it just an excuse, blaming it on religion? Is it just a fear of doing something wrong? Getting in trouble?

- confrontation. The fear of it versus the "bring it on!" feeling. It's a feeling I avoid. The feeling that confrontation brings up. It's anxiety. Being wrong. Being bad.

See there's a lot to write about.
Then my critic comes up and says, "No one wants to know this stuff, Sarah. Why does the whole world need to know what you are feeling or thinking about?"

So for now I tell my critic that, 1. I don't even know if the "whole world" is reading this; and 2. The "whole world" doesn't HAVE to read anything they don't want to; and 3. I like and need to be witnesssed. THAT is who I am. I don't want to apologize for it. I want to accept it.
It is who I am.
Just like someone who needs to stay protected.
I don't. Most of the time.

Ok, hope to be back soon...