Don't know if I have mentioned this in previous posts, but I have no problem saying it again.
At almost 43 years old, I feel myself going through what feels like what would be an existential crisis.
Big thoughtful questions
Lots of unknowns
What is real? If we all create our own reality then how do we know what is really real?
How do I know what I know is real or true?
Is what is real for me, real for you?
I question really knowing something. What do I really know? Am I unsure about everything? Or can I say there are things that I ABSOLUTELY know.
These questions have brought me to a place of just living in the moment. Because only this moment is real. I don’t know what will be, have no control over it per se, and cannot change what has happened. So I can only live my best now.
Have I ever told you about my "monsters in the basement" philosophy?
I once saw a cartoon that showed a parent and a child having an argument about the child wanting to go down to the basement. The parent could see that there were monsters down in the basement and tried to warn the child of them. But the child wouldn’t listen or didn't believe and started toward the basement door. The parent yelled, "Don’t go down to the basement, there are monsters!!" But the kid does not listen, he goes down to the monsters in the basement, and the parent realizes that the kid has to face his own monsters.
One of the most difficult parts of my being a parent, friend, or therapist has been allowing the people I care about to face their own monsters. I have learned that all I can do is be there for them after they do face their monsters; to be there however that person needs me to be. But I can’t stop them – as much as I want to – from facing them.
I also used to ABSOLUTELY KNOW that there were really bad monsters down in that basement. I no longer know that for sure. I don’t know if the monsters are really that bad. And I have become better at accepting the fact that I can no longer control whether anyone goes down to confront their monsters.
Living in what I call “the fog of not knowing” is my new challenge. Accepting the not knowing. And being okay that I might not know. That is a challenge!
I have been, and for ever will be, a person who questions. It’s my blessing. Because I know that if I knew that I knew and got all the answers, I would still not be satisfied. I have thought about this. I think I would then rather be dead. It’s the questions and not knowing that keep me alive and growing and wondering.
I don’t know if this post was really meant for the public.
I do know, because people tell me, that they learn things about themselves from posts like this. So I will post it even if it is a little more personal than usual.
I need to write. My posting and knowing people are reading, validates my thought process. I am not ashamed and am actually quite proud that I am able to think, feel and express.
That’s enough for one post. Gotta get back to the moment of doing laundry, planning menus and living.
Thanks for listening….