Angry, not scared!

I just keep getting angrier!

People keep saying, "You must be so scared" living there.

I'm not scared. At least not as much as I am angry!!

I'm just so angry that these bullies are allowed to keep bullying!

And I can't do anything to stop them.

They are making people so scared.

Yes, giving me more work. But I would rather it not have to happen!

Just angry that it has to be happening. So not necessary.

It's just so much easier to love and get along.

Bullying is just so mean and ridiculous!

And makes me so mad!

My Surreal Manicure

Tuesday is my day in Jerusalem.

I usually see four to five clients on Tuesdays, but due to some cancellations and the fact that my nails needed a real professional manicure, I decided to make an appointment at the salon I have been going to for years at the Plaza Hotel on King George Street in the center of the city.

Getting a manicure, for me, is part of my personal I AM A CAR (see below) initiative.

So there I was innocently watching the manicurist try to rebuild my damaged nails, placing the first coat of polish on, when we suddenly hear the siren. Not sure what it was at first, we both hesitated.

Then, she takes off, running down the hall.

I decide I should join her, only after my phone rings and ELY is crying to me on the other end. She is on her way home from school and has just gotten off the bus at the central bus station and doesn't know what to do. She is crying - hysterically! I walk calmly towards the bomb shelter of the hotel, talking ELY through her tears of what to do, "Get to a wall, get down low, put your hands over your head, take deep breaths, you're going to be okay. Are people starting to move around you?" I just kept talking to her. Poor thing was so scared.

I have a theory.

My father taught me that terrorism is exactly that. From the word, terror. Their goal is to instill terror. Their goal is to make you so afraid that you don't move or exist or live. And if you do that, then they win.

I've taken my father's words and changed them a little. I like to look at the terrorists as big bad bullies. They are nothing but bullies!

Why do people bully? Usually because they are jealous of the other person. Or because they want something you want. Or because they feel bad about themselves. Or because they were never loved and are looking for attention.

We can't let the bullies know they are bothering us. We can't be dumb, of course. We can't walk into  their arms and ask them to bully us. But we can chose not to let them bother us. We can even laugh at them.

So this is the message I give to ELY, as I am walking back down the hall to the salon and she is getting back on a bus to go home. Don't let the bullies win. Yes, that was VERY scarey. But don't let them bully you. Go have fun with your friends. Laugh. Tell jokes. Live.

And I went back to having my nails done. Albeit with a very shakey manicurist!

That's reality. We keep going. We don't let the bullies stop us from living -

Not even for a manicure!!

I am a Car

Although I might hate putting money into taking care of my car, I do it because I have to.

I get the oil changed regularly.

I get the wheels checked and rotated.

I get the car washed to clean out all the gunk from in and around the motor and inside the car.

If there is an unfamiliar noise, I take it to the mechanic, and I have it taken care of.

The windshield wiper fluid needs refilling.

The battery even needs changing every so often.

I'm sure there is more.

And I am the one to take care of it.

It's always been my responsibility.

I've always known how much it cost, and swallowed hard knowing it had to be done anyhow.

No guilt involved. Just a 'have-to'/'need-to' basis of doing.

So last week after suffering for three days with a migraine and the onset of random heel pain, I decided it was time to think of myself like a car.

I need maintenance.

No emotion needed or involved.

In order for me to run, I need to be taken care of.

If something hurts, or I am making a funny noise, then I need to take care of it.

No guilt involved. No emotion. Just take care of it.

No mean or stupid voices of 'suck it up' or 'you are fine.'

I get to ignore those voices. 

I am a car. When I'm a car, there are no mean voices.

I just take care of what needs taking care of because I need to be able to work or run or function or be.

I don't have to worry about how much money I am spending on myself because I am a car and that is what happens when you have a car.

Cars cost money. They need care. They need maintaining. They need fixing. They need tune ups. It costs money. It's money well spent, because you need your car to be able to run.

So do I.

I am a car.

And I can even be an Alfa Romeo if I want! (inside joke- guy I once dated compared me to an Alfa Romeo, but that's for another post...)

I'm a car.

Beep beep.

And I'm worth it.

Another parallel process.

That's psychobabble. It means two people are experiencing the same or similar emotion at the same time.

It happens to me with my clients all the time.

So, for example, when someone decides they come into a session and don't speak because they feel that what they have to say isn't important and why should I care anyhow?

Something about this sounds familiar. I realize that is my parallel process to blogging.

Why should you care? I hear people say that to me all the time. "I don't want to read all your personal thoughts!"

Now I know there are the few who do care; And do read and do want me to write. But there is that part of me, like my client, that feels: Why bother.

Except they say to me: You get paid to listen and act like you care.
I don't pay anyone to read or care.

So blogging is really about believing I have something to say that is worthwhile. That I have something to say that is meaningful or worthy of being written, said or read.

See, it's a parallel process.

Formatting still off - sorry!

Wish I knew how to fix it...

Have I really not written anything since July?!?! Wow

Sorry about that.

Will keep trying...

P.S> Looks like I fixed it!! :)

What if there were no one else left in the world?!

Client asked me tonight, as we were playing a game with some therapeutic cards, what I would do if there were no people in the world for me to have to connect to.
 If I was all alone. What would I do?
It was such a great question.
Totally unrealistic. But a great question.
Only because I realize I depend so much on other people for my self-worth.
On how I interact. On how meaningful a relationship I can make with them.
How loved and important I can make them feel.
What if there were no other people?
And I was all alone?
What would I do?
Color?
Dance?
Play?

Not really sure - Gotta think more about it...