FOMO

FOMO. Fear Of Missing Out.
It touches my jealousy button. It touches my "it's never enough" button. Or wishing I had more.

Knowing my family is together on the other side of the ocean.
Knowing my friends are having a party without me.
Knowing my neighbors are taking nice vacations when I'm not. Or can't.

Wanting what other people have, wishing I had more.

Then appreciating what I've got. Always having to remind myself. Constant reminding.

Why do I naturally go to that place first? Wanting more. Wishing for more. Never being enough?

It's not fair. To me, to my family.
I have so much. I do so much. I am so much.

But my brain tells me I'm missing out and there has to be, I need, I want more....

It's exhausting.

Learning

There's something new in our home.
For the first time since we made Aliyah, my children are actually enjoying what they are learning. At least some of them.
When we first moved to Israel, the language was so difficult, that the goal in school was to just make friends, learn the language and do the best they could to learn anything.
Now, 10 years later, they have great friends, know the language and can actually learn something they are interested in.
At least for MB and DB.
Growing up in a home where education was very important, and wishing my child's felt the same way, it is a nice change to be able to hear my two oldest enjoying their learning.
MB is studying Osteopathy, the study of the muscles and bones.
And DB is studying political science and psychology.
We can finally have intelligent conversations and enjoy hearing about their days.
I'm loving it.
And am so thankful they are able to expand their minds and their worlds.

Feeling Sad and Grateful

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a giver.
In Hebrew we call it "chesed". Kindness. Or doing acts of kindness.

Recently a woman in another community in Israel passed away after a long battle with cancer. I never knew her. But at her funeral, her two friends And her husband spoke about her very unselfish ways. They said things like she never complained. She always gave to other people. She was always thinking about others. Was rarely, if ever, selfish.

Kind of inspiring.
At first.

Then I started thinking about my Grandma Rose. People always said about my Grandma that she never complained. She always smiled. (At least when she wasn't criticizing.)
And I would argue with her:
"Grandma, aren't you in a bad mood sometimes. Don't you just want to be in a bad mood? Feel sad? Or just not happy all the time?"
And that's when she would give me her line, "No one wants to be around a bitch."
I never agreed with her.

And so when this women died, and her family and friends spoke such wonderful inspiring words about her, I thought, I don't want to be known for that. It can't be. A person can't be happy and giving all the time. It's not healthy.

For me, I've come to realize that there has to be a balance between being sad and being grateful. I can feel sad about a situation. Be unhappy that my husband doesn't have a job, or that my child is struggling in school. Or that I have a full plate and am so tired of giving all the time. That I am depleted from giving, can become resentful from giving. 

And yet ALSO feel so utterly and completely grateful for all the goodness that I have. One does not negate the other. I am grateful for health and a full rich life. I am grateful that I have a husband who loves me and won't run off with another woman! I am grateful that I can continue to explore who am I and who I want to be when I grow up, never being complacent in my personal growth. I am grateful for wonderful friends and family who love me. There are so many things I am grateful for!!

We live in a culture - in a world - that says BE HAPPY, above all else. And I believe that is an unfair mantra. I feel people can't handle my sadness or my anger or frustrations, so they tell me to be happy and appreciate what I have. They don't want to hear my negativity, because they can't deal with it within themselves. Sadness and anger and frustration and disappointment are emotions, just like happiness. They exist. And we need to feel them. Not to wallow in them, but to allow ourselves to feel them. I believe people are so afraid of these feelings that they won't even allow themselves to feel them, for fear of being stuck in them. Understandable.

So when I think of this woman and my Grandma Rose, I guess it worked for them. Or maybe not. I can't judge them. But what I know for myself is that I need to feel my sadness. I need to express it. I also need to feel grateful, and express it. I feel both.

It's just so draining to feel so good and giving ALL the time!
I don't have much left. For me.

Time to go to the beach!!! And feel grateful!!

But if we can find the balance. Allow ourselves to feel all these emotions.