Just something to write about

I know I'm gonna catch a lot of flack from this post, but let it be...

While procrastinating what I should really be doing I found this article on the front page of Boston Globe.com

I know I am in that high-risk club. My mother's sister died of breast cancer, and both my mother's parents died of some form of cancer as well. My mother is very diligent about getting her mammograms and other cancer-proofing tests.

For some reason, I'm not so diligent. Something in me just doesn’t care.

Is it denial? Maybe.

Is it laziness? Maybe that too.

Here is what I think: I'm going to die anyhow. Whenever that time is, will be the time I was supposed to die. It might cause a lot of pain to the people around me, but that was what was supposed to happen.

I'm not going to step in front of a bus or do something else more obvious to kill myself. But I feel that if I'm going to get cancer, then that's what's supposed to happen.

I haven't thought about it anymore than that.

Correction: I've thought about the quality of life thing, and the part about avoiding suffering.

And maybe I've even thought about the part of being alive to see my children grow and see my grandchildren.

But then I go back to if I’m supposed to die, then I’m going to die and that was what was supposed to happen.

So when it’s convenient, maybe I’ll get my act together to get a mammogram or any of the other gazillion tests my mother does, but for now I’ll just live my life.

Does that make any sense to you?



PS: After rereading this post I sense a bit of apathy coming from my writing. Not sure where it is coming from exactly? But the sense of just not caring permeates throughout my feeling level. Could it be, on a basic psychological level, that I just don’t care enough about myself? That I don’t think my being in the world makes enough of a difference to really care.

I don’t see myself being like Brainhell and trying to fight the disease. I just see myself letting it happen.

Still thinking about it.



OK, now you can tell me what you really think!!

OK, Now I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed

Trying to get organized.

It's only because it's the first time I'm really doing this.

I'll be Okay, just venting a little.

Don't want to overwhelm my kids.

Oh. Just remembered, I have to add cutting boards to my list.

Good night

34,000 hit question

If I have time to post a question, YOU have time to answer it!!

Since this is the holiday of freedom, a likely question would be:

IF YOU COULD FREE YOURSELF FROM ONE THING IN YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Don't make me beg for answers...

Happy Passover!

Doing Fine, Thanks

Even with my husband in the States, DB studying for his Psychometry exam, MB attending a prep class for her exams and NED still sleeping, (Ely is at a pre-Passover camp for kids) I'm doing fine. There's alot to do to prepare, but I am moving right along at a fine pace.

Would like to make half of my kitchen ready today. And shop tomorrow for produce.

There are alot of little things to do that if I had full time help it would be easier, but it will get done. Eventually.

Yesterday, J. Esther's daughter came for a couple hours and helped me clean my fridge and organize my paper goods. She was awesome!

Wish I wasn't so alone doing it all, but I'm doing fine.

Thanks for asking.

Can't wait to start baking. I miss my Grama Rose!

Decision and Acceptance - Israeli Style

I guess if we were living in the States and DB had made the decision to apply to Harvard, had an interview and was accepted, I'd let you all know.

So I am letting you all know, instead, that although DB did not decide to apply to Harvard (for various reasons), he did make the difficult decision of where he wanted to spend his next year and a half before going into the army.

There are several options in Israel for young men graduating from high school. This is all very new to me and some of it I may even have wrong. But for what I understand, every Israeli boy (and girl), when he turns 18, is obligated to serve in the Israeli army. Their choices are:

1) go directly into the army and serve three years.
2) get a postponement and study in yeshiva for 1 to 3 years. Hesder Yeshiva allows the boys to learn more and do less army serveice, Mechina programs allows the boys to learn up to one and a half years and then do 3 years of army service.
3) do sherut leumi (which is what most girls do), which is national volunteer service.

Those are the 3 choices as I understand them. Every Hesder yeshiva is different, as is every Mechina. Hesder yeshivas are know to have much more serious learning than the Mechina programs. And as I understand it, The Hesder programs are more textual based, while the Mechina programs are more spiritually/practically based.

After trying out different programs, DB decided that he didn't want to be in a place that was so serious in the learning department. DB has always been a more of a touchy-feely type of kid. And so I am not surprised he has chosen this route. Not, at all, to say he is not smart!

He is like his mother (and probably his father deep down) and is a more experiential learner.

DB chose the Mechina program he wanted and did everything he could to get in. Yesterday he had a meeting with the Rosh Hayeshiva (the head of the school) in a hotel lobby in Jerusalem. The school itself is called Eli and is located in a yishuv called Eli in the Northern West Bank. DB was very impressed with the Rabbis, boys, and the learning, and made a good enough impression on the Rabbi yesterday to get himself accepted.

So there you have it. My little boy will be going off to Eli in August, to study for a year and a half and then enter into the Israeli army. This is what he wants. He chose it and he made it happen.

This is big!!

And now I begin my DENIAL stage!!

I said I'd try

My Uncle Mark and my friend Spaz are two of my biggest supporters of this blog. When I was visiting family and friends last week, they both asked that I try to post more often and I said I’d try.

So although it's past midnight and I have a full day of clients tomorrow, I'll catch you up on a couple things.

My trip to Baltimore was a mixed bag. Great to see family and friends and hard to leave.

I'm back home now and that's what counts! The kids missed me. Although the house was orderly when I returned, it lacked Momma's touch and they needed that.

Mondays are my days when I am usually home and wait for Ely so we can spend some time together. Given that I slept most of Shabbat and then worked a very late day on Sunday, I thought she would really love seeing me when she got home. And I guess she did. She loved seeing me and then wanted to leave!

"Which friend can I go to Imma?" Was the first question out of her mouth. I tried to convince her how great it was going to be to do stuff together. But she didn’t think so. As soon as her friend called and wanted to come over to play, "yeah yeah yeah" was all I heard. Oh well. I guess she's better adjusted than I thought.

I'm starting to freak out. Pesach is next week. My first time making Passover. Ari is leaving for the week on Sunday. DB has a huge test (like SATs) on Thursday and MB has a 3-day course for her exams. That leaves me and Nechama to clean and get ready. (chuckle)

OY!

Trying to get organized, but it's kind of hard when you've never done it before!

I have another big SECREST show this week. That’s pressure too.

I need sleep.

I tried. Good enough for now?

Successful Purim and I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

First things first:

I love Purim in Israel! And more than that, I LOVE having our Purim seudah in our own home in Israel!

5 families - 30 people total - great friends - beautiful singing - inspiring dvrei torah - yummy food - fun memories - time together - our family away from family. Everyone, and I mean everyone, leaves with the feeling of, "This was the best Purim seudah ever!" I love helping to make people feel that way! Thank you G-d for giving me the tools! They do not go unappreciated! This is what I do the best. I get better at it every time. I love hosting parties! I am Rosie's granddaughter, to be sure! She wouldn't use as much plastic as I do - but she would be very proud of me! Thanks Grandma!!

Only a couple side affects from the day:
1) There is so much junk food left in the house, and all I can think is, "Pesach is coming!"
2) I have a very dirty and sticky floor with no cleaning person to wash it. No energy tonight. Hopefully I, or one of the kids, will feel like doing it tomorrow.
3) I have a 17-year-old son who, after worshipping the porcelain god for an hour or so (if you know what THAT means!), has completely passed out on the guest room bed. I won't even try moving him. He seems to be resting more comfortably now. But boy did I have a flood of memories come pouring back to me tonight. Called my high school girlfriend, Teri, in Florida, to reminisce. Everyone keeps telling me how much better it was that he was in his parents house and not out at some party or bar. I just wish it didn’t have to happen at all!

Ever see the cartoon where a kid is going towards the basement door to go down to the basement. The parents can see that there are monsters in the basement, but the kid can’t. The parents are yelling to the kid, “No! Don’t go! There are monsters in the basement.” But the kid doesn’t listen. And although it is really hard, the parents realize that the kid has to face the monsters on his own. They can’t save him from everything?

This is one of those times. I did not want him to face this monster. I tried and would have done more to save him from this monster if I really could. But I guess deep down I had to face the fact that he was going down and I couldn’t stop him. I could only be waiting for him when he came back up and (hopefully) said (says) he’ll never go down to that basement again. Ari says, “If he goes down again, we’ll be waiting for him the next time too.”

It’s so hard to let your kids face their own monsters! Especially when it feels like yesterday when I faced them myself!!

Sigh

4) On the bright side, my husband seems to have built up enough tolerance for scotch over the last year (I guess that’s a good thing? What am I saying?!?!) that he did not pass out on me right after the meal. He helped (without me even asking him to) break down the tables, fold and put away chairs, vacuumed the floor, and put the living room back together. I made him take care of his son, too. I felt it was more of a father’s duty – except that Ari doesn’t do vomit very well. So I lent my supportive, motherly touch.

5) I now have a refridgerator full of food. Which leads me to my next topic…

I’m leaving for the States tomorrow night. Flying to Bmore to visit the family. Will be back before the following Shabbat. Quick trip. Have plans to go to Cleveland for a night to visit more family.

Many mixed emotions.

I need a break, but going “home” is not easy for me. It’s difficult to articulate here. Suffice it to say that I will be very happy to be amongst my friends and family who have known me forever, which makes it difficult to be with them and then have to leave again.

And because I have gained weight again. Although I know my family loves me unconditionally, I know they worry about me when I gain weight. It happens. It’s embarrassing and I partly wish I could snap my fingers and make the weight go away. So they won’t spend so much time seeing my double chin and full face, but just seeing ME.

OK, that’s just getting too deep for this blog.

I’ll try to post from my parent’s house. It’s not always easy to fight my Dad for his computer…

If you read this blog, and you know my family, check in on my husband and kids for me, will ya? Make sure they’re okay.

Thanks –
Have a good week.