I’ve decided not to get dressed this morning and instead force myself to write about what has been simmering in my head, in hopes that getting it out will allow me to move on.
So here it goes:
Ari is ready to sign on the dotted line to buy land, build a house and live out our lives for the next couple years (at least) here on our Yishuv in Israel.
I, on the other hand, am petrified.
What am I so afraid of? That‘s the part I’m not so sure of.
After weeks, maybe months, of talking about not being able to afford to buy or build here, my husband has come forward with information that we are indeed able to stay on this Yishuv.
Not that he was keeping the information from me – at least I hope that’s not the case! But it was that he hadn’t yet gotten all the information about how much it costs to buy and build, mortgages, and how it effected our savings and livelihood.
In addition to that, my parents have offered to help us, on the condition that we build for them a basement apartment that we can rent out until the hopeful near future when they are ready to make aliyah and come live downstairs from us.
Voila, it seems we can afford it. But I am still so afraid. I am afraid of there being hidden costs we don’t know about. I am afraid of what will happen month to month (which means I REALLY need to get a job now). I am afraid of being embarrassed to confront the people I told we couldn’t afford to stay here; because that is what I thought was the case.
I am afraid of getting caught up in the stupid details of building a house. I remember when we redid our kitchen in the States and I spent weeks trying to decide which knobs to choose. So I brought Ari to the store with me and in two minutes he made the decision and dragged me out of the store before I changed my mind. I was so particular with the color I wanted on the walls, which faucets to use, etc, etc. And I just don’t want to care. I don’t want it to become my obsession. I don’t want it to become my priority.
I don’t want a big house. I don’t want to be in the league with those people who look like they have a lot of money because they have a big new beautiful house.
I don’t want my kids to think they can have everything they want because we can build a new house.
I don’t want to be looked at and envied because we have a new big house. Now granted, ours won’t be as big as some of the mansions going up on this yishuv, but anything new is always beautiful.
A good friend reminded me that we are a family that uses our home to do mitzvot
(good deeds). We have guests who sleep over, we have Shabbat guests for meals, we have parties for friends, and we enjoy having people in our home. And we need a home that is conducive to this type of lifestyle. It’s not like I will build a house, keep to myself and not open my doors. (The first important thing I will want is a screen door – so I can leave my door open and not worry about the bugs flying in!! See, I’m already starting to allow myself to think about it. It all costs money and really scares me!)
If someone said, “Here’s a modest house that you can buy, it has everything you want in it and it’s a great price. You can move in whenever you are ready,” I would be so much happier. I don’t think I would be as afraid.
But somehow this scares me to pieces.
I just don’t want to do it.
I’m too afraid.
And I don’t know how to reconcile it.
Ari is saying I’m the one who can’t make the decision and I guess he’s right.
But I can’t make the jump.
Have I always been a cautious person??
Is this that I’m being cautious?
I don’t think it’s that I don’t want to live on the yishuv. I’ve reconciled that there is no perfect place and if our kids are happy here, don’t mess with what ain’t broken.
So why can’t I just say ok, be excited and tell everyone we are here to stay? That in itself scares me!
It’s just not my way. When we made aliyah, I wanted to float off into the sunset, while Ari was happy to be honored at a dinner. I don’t like to make big deals about these things. It makes me very uncomfortable. I’d like to think that it’s because I’m a modest person and not because I’m insecure… But I’m not sure about that either…
I don’t want to admit that I’m part of the “building on the yishuv” crowd. It’s just not me…
So I’ve written about it, but I don’t feel any better. The issues are beginning to become a little clearer, but I'm not ready to sign any dotted lines.
I better go spend my time looking for a job and figuring out our finances instead. Something tells me I’m going to have to just go with it, because I am so out-numbered: Ari, my kids, AND my parents are ready to do this!
I just need some time to get used to it.
Kicking and screaming…
And that’s what I have to say about that.