I'm trying to decide

Since gas prices are so high, is it really more cost effective to take the bus - with all the time and aggravation it takes to get there?

How could it be?

Was just looking at some reunion pictures from this summer.
How can it be that we are all 40 years old + ??? Weren't we just 18 and in high school?

I wanna go home

What does that really mean when I'm already home?!

Jealous? Me?

I wouldn't consider myself a jealous person.
I've never been called a jealous woman.
It's not really an attribute I identify with.

Except...

I am beginning to realize that I have one small, but very passionate jealousy.
It's small. Doesn't take up a lot of space. Can be hidden when not wanted to be seen.

It gets more attention than me. It gets looked at and seen more than me. It gets heard more than me. It might even get coddled and cared for more than me.

My girlfriend hates her family dog because she feels her husband pays so much more attention to the dog than to her.

My jealousy is against an inanimate object. It rings and buzzes and beeps. No tail wagging or drooling or licking.

I’d like to throw it against the wall and watch it break into a million pieces. It brings out the mean, vindictive side of me.

I think I can actually say, “I hate it.” Strong words, I know (especially for my mother).

But I do. I hate it. And I am jealous of the attention it gets over me and the kids.

So I guess I am a jealous woman after all…

Almost forgot

On my way to bed. And remembered I had to post something.

Still trying everyday.

Today.
Cleaned and straightened in anticipation of "stuff" from America. Ari returned tonight.

Rain in Jerusalem. Getting colder. No sun. Needed heat in the car.

Wishing i could save my clients from their pain.

Wish I could not feel mine. Wish I understood why I have any.

Getting harder to hide it.

Another day.

Changing over

It's that time of year.
Time to bring down the containers of winter clothes and put away the summer stuff.
It's the end of November, about time, don't you think?

Days are still warm here, as long as the sun is out. No need to put the heat on in the car during the day. And no need for a winter coat, at least not where I live. I keep a coat in the car, for those cold Jerusalem moments, but otherwise no coats needed. Not warm enough for ceiling fans, but not cold enough to turn on the heat.

So why the change over?
Not just because the air is getting chilly, or the rain makes everything feel more raw.
But mostly,because the summer clothes are too thin, too summery looking, and frankly - I need a change!

So it's scarf around the neck weather, until the sun is out.

It's sleep in a sweatshirt weather, with a couple more blankets.

And it's no more sandal weather with the need to wear socks.

The change over has happened. And I feel oh, so accomplished today.

Up at 3:00 AM

Came home from a frustrating day at 7:30 PM.

Got Ely ready for bed, snuggled in next to her with the child's version of "A Secret Garden." Said her prayers and fell asleep. Both of us.

And now I am awake.

When I went downstairs, I found what NED had made for dinner, still on the counter. Guess she fell asleep before her time too?

Now I am awake with my thoughts. My frustrations. My worries. My need-to-dos. My should-dos. My wishes. My anxieties. My wonders. My knowings.

All swirling around in my head. Around and around. And around.

Is it me? Or the rest of the world?

A client wrote me that she wished she could live on an island alone, without anyone. I'm thinking about joining her.

This morning I had a headache. And I felt frustrated. I didn't hide it well. I never seem to hide it well. I hate when people notice. And say something. Leave me alone in my mood. I'll snap out of it when I'm good and ready.

Maybe I shouldn't write at 3:00 AM ?!

Pajama Shabbat

All four kids home with me.

DB takes ELy to synagogue.

The children are happy to be together.

The older three reminisce about when they were younger. Ely feels left out.

They laugh together. They sing together. They listen to each other tell their stories.

NED and Ely go to the couch and fall asleep. MB and DB fall asleep at the table, first sitting up, then with their heads down.

I try to take a mental picture.

Feel my fortune deep down. I am comforted by them.

I read a book - finished it. Appreciated the quiet.

Onto another crazy week....

Love it when the kids come over

MB was escorted home last night by two of her good (young men) friends. They came in, found their personalized cups in the cabinet, raided the pantry and never left!!

I love it.
Last night the two boys helped me bake cookies while MB checked her facebook, ate dinner and just sat there.

I am so thankful my children have great friends who like to come over and hang out.

It seems I intimidate some of NED's guy friends. Or is it Ari's gun? But for the most part, they seem to enjoy being here. And I love having them.

Just wish they would wash their cups before they leave!!! :)

**I have decorated plastic cups for those kids who come over all the time. I bought inexpensive hard plastic cups, took out my paint pens, and wrote their names with decoration on the cups. This way, we don't waste cheap plastic cups, and the kids feel a sense of belonging in our home. Every one is happy!!

ANother ELY ism

I was talking to ELY about one of the kids that were here for Shabbat last week. She asked how we knew her. I said, "From NCSY when we lived in Boston."
Ely responded, "What's an NCSY?!"

That's my Israeli Bnei Akiva girl speaking...

**For all my readers who do not know:
NCSY = National Conference of Synagogue Youth. The Youth organization that Ari and I grew up in, and Ari ran for 10 years in Boston.
Bnei Akiva = The international Zionist youth organization that ELY only knows about from living here.

Power Out

For two hours today.
No electricity.
What a concept.
Life is so simple without electricity.
Why do we chose to complicate our lives? Under the cloak of making it easier?

Except for knowing that my food was defrosting in the freezer - I was really hoping it would go on all night...

Maybe we should initiate a once a week power outage in the house? No electricity. And we have to make due. Figure it out. Live simply.

Just a thought.

An ELYism

As I was putting ELY to sleep in our bed last night:

ME: ELY, tonight is your last chance. If you snore tonight, you are going back in your own bed.

ELY: But No! Abba said I have to sleep on his side to keep it warm for him.

ME: Too bad! I need to sleep. And your snoring wakes me up!

ELY: So you can go sleep in my bed in my room....or go downstairs on the couch. It's not my fault that I snore! And besides, I promised Abba.

Gulp...

Now what?! :)

Things I already knew and Things I learned:

I already knew that I must have ELY pack her school bag the night before.
Even still, I learned that at 8:20 am, I am not the latest parent to drop their child off at school.

I already knew that the ultrasound that the physical therapist uses can help my foot pain.
I learned that rolling my foot over a tennis ball also helps.

I already knew that sometimes it can take over an hour to get to Jerusalem in the morning.
I learned that it can also take 35 minutes, with time to spare to call a friend before I start working.

I already knew that my client is so protected she can barely speak.
I learned that she is so protected that she self-edits/criticizes even before her words leave her mouth. And I learned that I have to use art more creatively with her.

I already knew it was hard to find parking in and around the Old City on Rosh Chodesh (the new moon/month).
I learned that it is enough to drive through the Old Ctiy, see the Kotel and drive over to the Tayelet and look out over the Old City instead.

I already knew I get migraines for no apparent reason.
I learned that a bottle of coke and a falafel can make it go away.

I already knew that when I trust in the process, art therapy can be very powerful
I learned that when I trust myself, I can run a great art therapy group, help some lost girls feel a little more connected and feel really good about it.

I already knew that Ely is a good student.
I learned that I can understand her teacher when she tells me so.

I already knew (cuz I learned it over the last 6 years) that one of the things about living on a yishuv in Israel during Chodesh Irgun means I have no control over what time my teenagers come home at night.
I learned that if I let NED have my trust, she still responds to her responsibilities and makes herself very proud.

I already knew that I don’t like it when Ari travels to the States.
I learned that all I really need are little reminders from him that he is thinking about me throughout the day, and he can stay as long as he needs.

Interesting day…. Certainly learned a lot!

Today

Saw the doctor

Tried to go to the Kotel, but couldn't find parking and didn't want to walk too far in the rain.

Drove to Talpiot mall. Met cousins. Bought some supplies.

Saw a client. Tried to help. Not so sure I was very helpful.

Went to therapy. cried.

Brought leftovers to MB.

Home.

Start over tomorrow.

Before I go to sleep

Something I am thinking about, but don't have figured out.

What purpose does "being in protection" (a UYO term) serve me?

I am aware it is happening. I put up the wall. I protect myself. But realistically from what?!

From what, except my own thoughts, do I have to protect myself from?

And with that... I leave you, for an attempt at a night's sleep with a head cold...

Another thing...

When I went to the physical therapist for my foot pain the other day, she very unconsciously rubbed the leg that was not hurting. It was a very nurturing soft rub, all of 10 seconds, that for some reason made me cry.

People don't do that for me.
I don't get pats on the back or unsolicited rubs just because.

It made me cry.
And it alarmed the PT. She thought she had hurt me!!

Wonder what that means?

What is wrong with me?

Why can't I get myself to write a new post?

It's been exactly 2 months since I posted last.

I have become the most self-critical, self-judged, self-editing blog writer I know.
A day doesn’t go by where I don’t think about what I want to write about that day.
And then I get home to the computer and it's not the right time or right feel or it just seems stupid.

I miss writing. I need to write

But I just haven't.

I want to try something: everyday for the next week, (including after Shabbat) I will write something. Even if it is one line of a thought I had that day. Let's see what happens. Lets see if I can actually do it.

Are my thoughts just all too intense and negative? And so I self-criticize and revise my words until they are no more.

Going to try anyhow…

Read on

Mondays

I have spent my morning cleaning off my desk.

I have tried to keep my Mondays for a day-at-home-to-catch-up day.

I have been semi-successful.
I would also like to make time to get down to my art room and clean it so I can do something creative for myself.

For now it has been my desk.

And preparing for my doctor's appointment tomorrow. My first thorough check up in many many years.
As I went through old records, I began to cry.
Can't tell you why, really?
Do you know why?
Just cried. When I read about aches and pains and broken bones. Why should that stuff make me cry?
Same stomach pains for years. Same foot pain on and off for years. Eye stuff. Weight stuff.

My favorite is the doctor who wrote that my stomach pain seems to be from stress of having 3 young children (pre-ELY). Great.

So tomorrow is a big day. Ari placed bets on how long I will be in the doctor's office before I start to cry. He knows me. I'm starting early...