Day by Day

Today was one of those days.
When I just live it out.
Nothing exciting.
Nothing too boring.
Just living.
Doing what I gotta do.
Eat. sleep. and other bodily stuff...
Wake up.
Go to work.
Make a difference.
Buy fun new art supplies.
Come home.
Put dinner in the oven.
Eat.
Prepare for my class tomorrow.
Write a blog post.
Finish getting my stuff together for tomorrow.
Go to bed.

What else is there?

How come?

How come when other people in my house are sick or are not feeling well, I have to take care of them?

But when I don't feel well, I still have to take care of me?

How come?

You don't have to answer. I know.
Just asking out loud...

I feel like crap today and just want to stay in bed.
But alas, there is a house and family to take care of.

Happy Stuff

I was told my posts contain too much negativity and anxiety.

So I'm gonna think of good stuff:

- It rained today
- I saw two clients today and got paid in cash, so now I can go buy food for Shabbat
- I was able to sit with ELY and do her homework with her tonight
- NED is blossoming before my eyes
- MB passed her driving test (I guess that's good!)
- The heat works in the house
- I painted my nails cobalt blue
- Got a good report from my mammogram yesterday
- Got to know more of my "kids" kids

Thinking....Oh!

- Woke up this morning

How's that?
Feel better now?
Can I go back to my real genuine thoughts now?
Thanks

I want a day

I want a day when I can decide to do whatever I want and not feel guilty about it.

Like:

Lay on the couch and watch movies all day.
or
Color in a coloring book and listen to James Taylor all day.
or
Go for a walk in the woods and have picnic
or
Make something fun and creative in my art room
or
Lay in bed and read a book
or
Wander aimlessly in the mall
or
Sit in cafe with a friend
or
Take a hot bath


Just to name a few...

Facing their own monsters

I tried!
I tried to warn her.
I tried to tell her not to.
But she didn't listen.
She needed to face them herself.
She need to fight them. She needed to prove it to herself.
She needed to see if she was really afraid.
I couldn't stop her. No matter how many times I told her she shouldn't or you don't have to.
And now I have to watch her face them.
Face her monsters. I have to stand by and watch her face them. I can't make them disappear.
She has to face her pain
and disappointment.

I all I can do is watch. And be there. And care. And love.

She taught me how to unconditionally love.
I won't say I told you so.
I taught her choices and consequences.
She knows.
And she knows i will still love her.

No matter what.
Even if I have to watch her face her own monsters...

Realizing

I've got a lot of friends - I know a lot of people
from a lot of different places
from a lot of different times of my life.
Share a lot of different memories.
know different things about me from different times in my life
Some from way way back
others just way back
and others more recently.
But I know them.
and they know me.

That's a lot of people.

Procrastinating .......AGAIN

What to do first?
Besides sleep.
Prepare for my workshop
Write my article
clean my art room
Prepare my four-week class
organize my desk
Do my bills
Paint a picture
watch a movie
read a book
do some exercise
gotta do something...

Just snapping my fingers

I imagine that I can snap my fingers and my house will automatically be clean and organized.

If I had all the time in the world I couldn't make it happen without that snapping!

I used to say I could live with disorganization, but not dirt.

I seem to be existing with both.

No time to organize the way I would like to.

And no money to pay for a real thorough cleaning.

So I make do.

I clean as needed. and I organize when I can...

Just saying.

Missing DB

I know I have a son out there somewhere...

I gave birth to him.

But I can't speak to him. Can't see him when either of us wants.

I just have to remember him in my mind. and my heart. and in my body. And then pray he is well and wait...

It doesn't seem normal.

Just taking

Allowing others to do for me - to take - and accept it, is a challenge for me.

I can say thank you, of course, and I do! But it never seems enough.

When friends take me out to dinner or pay for my gas when i take them on a road trip.
Or my neighbor not only helps me find a second hand fridge on line, but drives me to Tel Aviv to pick it up, shleps it into his car and them helps me bring it into my house.

It's different than asking kids who hang at my house and eat my food to help me shlep or clean my windows.

This is from adults who don't have to, but do.

Just them giving and my just taking.

I could get used to it :)

Agree to disagree

Halli and I had a disagreement.
Nothing major.
Just a difference of opinion

I have recently decided that instead of just throwing away or burning old journals, that I don't want to keep anymore - don't want my kids or Ari (or anyone!) reading - I would change the energy in them. Use them for something positive. I have begun to go through them and tear out the pages i do not want to be read, and rip them into little pieces in order to make paper mache projects.

Change the energy.

My first idea was to make a huge painting, with the paper mache-d pieces of my journals as the parchment. But I haven't gotten myself together to put something so big together yet. So far I only made a pencil holder for Ari's desk. Next is a large bowl.

Halli says it's a bad idea. First, the going through and reading old journals idea, and second, the idea of having a pencil holder on Ari's desk made from bad stuff in my past.

For me it is clear. I can somewhat agree with the rereading part. Not so great for me. But I've been able to just read or peruse and rip out! For the most part. But the changing energy part for me is very therapeutic.

She doesn't like the idea.
We agreed to disagree.

Motivation

What motivates me to exercise when my good friend calls me and says "Come over and do the elliptical with me."
Everything in me says NO WAY!!
But I go, because I love my friend. And I wanna spend time with her.
And she pushes me.
Two songs on the ipod on the elliptical. And one Hannah Montana song of crunches.
I will be hurting tomorrow.

And tomorrow I will spend the day with another friend, visiting from California. Up north. Change of scenery. Having fun.

Friends save our lives.

I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends.

I hope I am as good a friend... I know I used to be. I wonder if I still can be.

Appreciation and saving my psyche.

Thanks for the motivation...

Trying to get it right

Over 21 years later and still trying to get it right.

Some days it works. It's smooth.

and I smile

Other days it's nausea in my throat.

Going here, running there. Looking here and closing my eyes there.

Wishing and expecting.

She said, "Why can't it be normal. I just wanted everything to be fine."

What do I know?
I'm trying too...

It is what it is

And it seems I can't change much of it.

When I can learn to accept that, then...what?

NO more expectations?
No more disappointments?

No more stomach pain?

What?

It is what it is. Accept it.

Gaining weight again

I can see it in my pictures.
Yuck.
Pain in my foot = no walking or balleting = no exercise = weight gain

Stinky.
Trying to love me anyhow.
Just wish I wasn't gaining weight again.

Another example of

Up and down I go...

HO HUM

And I'm allowed because it's MY blog.
I'm allowed to Ho
I'm allowed to HUM
I'm allowed to sing
I'm allowed to kvetch
I'm allowed to bitch
I'm allowed to smile
and laugh
and giggle
I'm allowed to pray
and wish and hope.
I'm allowed to question why
and how
and when
I'm allowed to cry
an whisper
and wonder
and say

I'm allowed to Ho Hum