Can't pretend

How many of you are people who can pretend that everything is okay in your relationships, when something is really bothering you?

How do you decide when it's worth confronting?

It's really bothering me, but don't know if it's worth it.

I am not a good pretender...

Just wondering.

Back to life

Kids are home

Stuff is everywhere

11:00 PM - Ely in bed. Big kids just went out.

Stuff is everywhere.

Coordinating plans for tomorrow.

School shopping.

Not enough hot water for my shower.

Everyone talking to me at the same time.

Yelling, "Mommy", from the third floor.

Cell phones ringing.

Fighting for computer time.

Private talking time with Ari.

Distracted.

Back to life.

Life is full - I am blessed!

Niceness

I have a friend who told me tonight that all she wants is a man who will be nice to her...

She's been married longer than me.

She is the nicest person I know. How could anyone not be nice to her?

Makes me sad for her.

And deeply thankful for my very nice husband!

I just have to say...

I think it's amazing that I'm just a little public school girl from Frederick who speaks Hebrew to my 8 year old daughter's friends on the phone.

I speak Hebrew. (Ok, on a 3rd grade level, but hey...) Who woulda thunk?

Just thought I would share that.

It's just amazing...

Sittin' here thinkin'

I am writing this post from the corner booth in Tal Bagels, on Emek Refaim Street in Jerusalem.

My car is in the shop - the air conditioner is as moody as I am! So as I wait for it to be fixed, I decided to try to get some work done.

I sit here with my (actually Ari's) laptop open, typing away, feeling very upscale, and actually getting work done.

I'm distracted by the voices around me, especially the woman from Atlanta, who is definetly an Evangelical Christian, sitting across from me.

I am trying to work on a project, but I am stuck. I have this great idea, but I am having difficulty putting the idea into anything concrete, in writing.

I want to run a series of workshops in the post-high school seminaries here. I have an idea of using the expressive therapies to discuss ideas of self-esteem, self-awareness, identity, etc.

My problem is that I am not a business person who knows how to go about doing this. If the seminaries were to call me and ask me to come in and run something, I'd be happy to. But having to come up with something in order to sell myself and and an idea that is attractive enough to have them want me, is challenging.

So I sit here, looking for ideas on the internet, trying to brainstorm ideas to help me.

What is keeping me stuck with this? Why am I not just writing it up, having it all organized to present to the schools, and going out there and doing it?

I guess I just need more hand holding. This is one of those things - I know my strengths. Running the groups is a strength. Coming up with the ideas and getting myself hired is not.

Any ideas?

Can't rest my brain

Trying to go to sleep, but trains of words and thoughts racing through my head.
Can't settle in and can't quiet down.
I'm angry.
I'm angry at the kids who would drink and drive and kill themselves
I'm angry at the kids who think "it won't happen to me"
I'm angry at the parents who don't seem to care, or know how to care
I'm angry at the community who won't accept a kid cuz he/she's different than what they want or need him to be.
I'm angry at the everyone for always blaming others and not taking responsiblilty.
WE are all responsible.
I am responsible for my friend's kid who I bumped into hanging out in Crack Square.
I am responsible to love him.
I am responsible for my client who feels so lost, she doesn't even know right from wrong
I am responsible for loving my children and my husband and my family
I am responsible for loving myself

You are responsible for loving me

We are all responsible

now go do it

Story after story

Just need to vent a little about all the unbearable pain there is in this world.

I listen to story after story of people being abused or neglected or hurt or pushed around or pained.

I got into this field (the therapist one) because I wanted to help people. But I guess I was in denial – and continue to be so – about the absolute horrible pain people are suffering with. It’s as if I hear it, but try not to internalize it; probably because I can’t take the thought of it. Can’t take the pain. I feel it too deeply. So I minimize it in order to cope. I see client after client and listen to their pain, and try, as I was trained, to keep it outside of myself, but I can’t help but let it affect me. I guess I do internalize it. That is what I do.

What parents do to their children – what strangers selfishly do to their neighbors – what horribly sick people there are in the world. Some of them continue without recourse day after day. The system doesn’t know how or what. There are so many deep, deep ramifications.

Yes, I want there to be a perfect world where no one suffers and everyone is happy and content all the time. And yeah, I know, I would be out of a job, but I’d find another one.
And yeah, I know, we need the suffering. But I just wish…

I’ve been thinking about becoming a birthing coach or a baby nursery volunteer.
Just to be around babies and give them the love and nurturing they deserve.

There is just too much crap out there in the world…

Okay – I vented, back to work. I’m good at what I do, so I will keep doing it for now.

Thanks for listening.

P.S. Please no lectures on how I need to take care of myself and learn better how to separate myself – I know all that. This is part of my taking care of self: venting.

I’m Having a Baby

IN MY DREAMS!!!!!!

It’s 6:00 am on Monday, Aug. 4th. I awoke about 20 minutes ago in a calm panic, feeling as if it was real! Couldn’t fall back to sleep. I had to write about it.

I drove myself to the hospital. My mom and the kids were with me. Ari was … at work?

I was having cramping, but not tightening. They told me to wait in the waiting room. I was breathing through the cramping.

I left in the middle to go to the dentist??? Still cramping.

It was real. I was having a baby. The kids were all excited. I couldn’t reach Ari.

When I awoke, I wasn’t having a baby. I realized I was dreaming. Real stomach cramps, though, as usual.

Ari and I went out for dinner last night. I had Fettucine Alfredo and hot chocolate soufflé. Hence, the stomach cramps.

But I really thought I was having a baby.

I’m disappointed…

I’m 42 years old – Happy Birthday to ME – and I guess the reality that I am not is making me sad.

That was a real dream, in a not real sorta way.

I’m going to go for a early morning walk…

I wanna write about....

Some of the things I would write about if I had the patience to write:

- my long red nails

- no kids at home, being alone with Ari

- DB passing his first stage of army try outs

- why I get anxious with conflict

- missing my kids

- how I dance when I walk in the morning

- wishing I had a baby to hold

- how much I love chocolate

- how Ari (and the rest of my family and friends, for that matter) missed/forgot/neglected my birthday - except my Mom and Spaz!

- how my skirts are getting loose on me

- how I wish I knew more than I know

and more.